I've been reading for ages now, so I guess it's time to actually write something. I'll probably go back to reading the second that I'm done with this. Well actually that's a lie...I have some more writing to do after this :D I shall explain later on in this.

Anyway. Today is probably my last day of recovery. Recovery from what? My stupidity. Although it was also a bit of bad luck as well. But anyway, Sunday night I was up 'till 2 working on some stuff. I know it's all my fault for procrastinating, but it's how I work. Besides, I produced some good stuff. Tuesday was just dumb. It got really cold, really quickly, which destroys my body. Drives me nuts, because I still work it just as hard as I normally do. But I pushed myself a little too hard in Gym, and ended up hurting my knee, along with exhausting myself. Then in Kempo, I ended up hurting my hip and foot sparring. How? I have no freaking idea. Well actually, I lie. My hip was from kicking so much. Apparently there's a muscle there that I strain. It goes away after a couple days. My foot was probably from kicking Fork. ALSO that night I ended up staying up late again, because S is sick and isn't allowed to get more than five hours of sleep. So I stayed up, keeping her awake because her best friend doesn't have the ability to stay up past eleven.

So by Wednesday morning I was pretty much dead. I got 8 hours of sleep last night, but I'm still dead.

And right now I'm still tired. Exausted. I NEED rest. I need a lot of it. As in like 12 hours of sleep. I can barely control myself anymore. Today has just been frustrating. My Mom brought up my grades again. Why? Because I currently. Key word is CURRENTLY. Have a 63 in History. Why? Because I didn't hand in 2 of the 5 assignments of this marking period. I've been stressed by work. Most of it is gone now, behind me, but still. She gave me the grade talk.

I don't understand how they can even comprehend that telling me about my grades will help? Every single FUCKING time I get told about my grades I feel more compelled to mess them up. More compelled to be like "Hey. I'll just stop working in Math." or better yet. Spanish. Because the teacher is a bitch. She's pregnant. So she has an excuse. But I've respected pregnant teachers before. So she really doesn't have an excuse.

And then I'm still dealing with this fatiuge. And so at dinner, I kinda lost it. Let my anger get the better of me, and I flung some food at my little brother. Who I guess in my pathetic defense had been an Asshole. Yeah, I corrected his English. So what?

I'm just so tired of not getting any respect at home. What is the point of being told "You're wiser. You're the leader." if nobody listens to you? They only listen if they're getting something in return. Like if I tell them to set the table, they will. Why? Because if they do, I feed them. But if I want one to take the dog out, I'm met with resistance. Obviously she needs to pee. And the person in question rarly takes her out anyway.

Whatever, the point is...

At some point all of this was going to boil over. Internally, I'm a storm. I'm very easily angered, and my anger is great. It's been a challenge to build up the control neccesary that nobody sees it. And when I'm tired, that control wanes. My parents and my family knew I was prone to anger, but now that I've gained this control over it, they "expect better of me". Whatever the fuck that means. I'm still human.

And now. The internet gets turned off at 10. OH WOW. "Let me punish my Son by taking away one of the things that keeps him pacified." Yes. The internet holds a source of ventilation of my emotions aka this blog. It's the ONLY way I can contact my best friend. And it keeps me distracted so I don't have time to dwell on things to make me angry.

Honestly. By taking away freedoms, they encourage more negative behaviour. With more pressure comes more rebellion. I'll just turn the internet back on when they're gone. And then disconnect it when I go to sleep. I'll also disconnect it so it stays disconnected while I'm at school.

So what that I'm acting immature? So what if I'm acting disrespectful? I'm not a saint. If I remember correctly even Jesus threw tantrums. So if he's allowed to, and he's "the son of God." Aren't I, just a plain old boy, allowed my lapse in self-control?

Oh, and in case my little brother does read this. I'm still mad. And I'd like to get this out as well while I'm at it, because in an hour or so I wont be able to say it.

This Hat is like his favourite hat now. It's ridiculous. Yeah, it's a fasion statement I guess. I understand. But it doesn't fit the clothes he wears. He wears it only in doors. And seriously. The only thing I can think about when I see the hat is "The Jonas Brothers" I don't like them. I don't like their sound. I can respect the fact that they only want to do what they love to do, and they have their own style, but seriously. I can't respect my little brother when he wears that hat. Maybe if the rest of his clothes matched it, I would. But they don't. It just does not fit.

Anyway. I have other things to write now. Though I don't know if I want to write one of them, seeing as it's a more involved thing. The other is simply like a dictionary. It'll be a translation of all the code names I use now, and will use in the future, so I can keep track of things if I forget them.

Out~

I'm actually surprised that I didn't think of putting down a blog earlier than now. But oh well. I have a few things that I want to put down. It's kinda funny that I use my blog like a coppermind. Using it to store memories the best that I possibly can, so that I can later look on them to see what I did. Although it's odd in the way that I use it to write down large things but I usually get rid of the specifics. Names. Certain thoughts that I would like to leave out/forget.

Anyway. I left you yesterday with me kinda bitching about going to this play. I would only be going out of my pure guilt for what I've done. My stupidity which will follow me for a bit. And although their friends didn't follow through on their threats, I still kinda beat myself up about it a little.

But anyway. The first act of the play started out like the last play I went to did. I knew nobody in the room that I particularly like. There was Mike and his friends. They piss me off listening to them. I don't really know why. I praise myself for my openness to people and ideas, but with these people I feel a sense of revulsion towards them. Maybe because they were talking straight through the first act.

But after the first intermission I saw the Cheer and Squid. Squid hunts me out a little bit. I don't really know why. In my own opinion I shouldn't be so outstanding in her opinion. We didn't even start talking until this year. Though maybe that's her personality. She's a funny girl. Anyway, Cheer and I started talking as Squid went off with a couple of her other friends. Cheer is an odd one. I don't dislike her, but my view on her isn't too bright. I'd like to say she's slutty, but I don't know her well enough to know whether or not she acts slutty around me or it's just her personality.

So they insist I sit with them, since I knew about three of them out of their group. I don't mind. It's better than being by myself, listening to Mike and them say "Charlie looks weird up there in those clothes." "omg Dan's a fag" "we should be out smoking" blah blah blah

I also met Cat for the first time. She's something. Freaking hilarious. She was a Neko for this outing I guess, and she was totally playing the part. And by that I don't mean she was all "nyu nyu" all the time. But just acted like that one Neko from Escaflowne. And I spoke with her a little bit, and she seemed pretty cool. There was also this other guy who was pretty cool too.

Something has come to me. Well, not really. I don't know. But anyway. My school is messed up. Or it's the same as plenty of other schools. My grade, and the Seniors tend to be filled with what would be considered "normal" people. Those that either pretend they're from Hartford, or dress prep-ily. Basically, there's nobody in my grade really that could be classified as Emo/Scene/Goth.

ALSO. Both the Juniors and Seniors hate the Sophomores and Freshman. I myself really dislike most of the guys from the Sohpomore class. Though I actually like the Freshman class. There's more armcandy freshman than I remember seeing in my past years there, but oh well. But there are more people in those two classes that don't fit in with what the people I hang out with would consider "normal" And then I hear people say "Oh we're not a clique-y school!"

Bullshit. After going to that play I've realize that I actually like those people that my other "friends" hate more than I like them half the time. For example, I waved at Cookie at lunch a couple months ago, and got collective glares from the people at my table because she hung out with "Those emo fags"

So anyway. Hanging out with them at the play was fun. Afterwards was fun too. Also, I might get to know them a little better, seeing as Miranda is planning on going to Japan as well. Aparently we're the only two from the area that are serious about it. She had asked me because she was worried about not knowing anyone. I thought it was funny, because I'm kinda excited that I wont know anybody. Also poor Cheer is a little gullable. Not the smartest one in the world. Though I can't blame her, because I played along without skipping a beat. Squid latched onto me and we played being a couple for a few minutes, greeted by a lot of confusion when we both were like "Yeah we're totally together." until she turned homosexual and we broke up.

Now that I think back to it. Me and my Mom had a small discussion on personas. I realize I don't know where I actually begin and where the acting starts. Sometimes I think that when I act spontaneous and do strange things like being Squid's "boyfriend" and making people jump around via commands through a cell phone before telling them where I'm hiding is more who I am than laughing about how much a "fag" Frank is.

I don't know. I think the real answer is that each persona is me. There is no act. I'm cruel and kind, spontaneous and reserved, introverted and extroverted, thoughtful and shallow. I guess more than anything I'm contradictory. I want to make everyone happy, but I would find it amazing if someone hated me.

But anyway. The night ended with me going out to Wal-mart, paying $2.07 per gallon (YES!) for gas, and buying the new Shiny Toy Guns album. I was also very glad that I went to the play. I was VERY close to just skipping it, and telling C that I went instead of actually going.

Saturday was pretty busy. I worked at a knife show for about half the day. Which was pretty cool, even though we didn't sell that much. The knives were all amazing at the table. Though some of the people that were there were kinda strange. It wasn't too eventful though. Sitting, talking to some people, and walking around occasionally. It was time well spent though. The guy next to me gave me a butterfly knife. I don't really think it's that amazing quality seeing as it's not sharp and kinda wobbles a bit :D but oh well.

The way home was stressful. It took forever. Master D gave me good directions. But I guess he didn't realize that when I got on the Highway, the closest exit was 38 and I had to find 40. So yeah. I turned around at like exit 34 and then found 40. It felt like I was guessing on a lot of the directions. I took a couple of wrong turns. But I eventually made it. I was proud by the time I stopped in the Commons. It was like a puzzle. But in real life.

I went to Borders to get something to drink and then it turned hectic. I thought it would be a quick trip but I ended seeing like 10 people I knew. No lie.

I walk in the door, past Maddy. She's a little girl from the cartoon camp. Then I walk in and see the Beach sisters. I end up talking a bit to the older one. From there (I've just wasted like 20 minutes) I go to the cafe, and when I get my drink I hear my name, turn and see Nick and a couple of his friends. We kind of wave awkwardly at eachother. Then I decide to go look and see if they came out with some more volumes of a manga I'm following, then lo and behold, I see the twins. So I end up talking with one of them for like another 15 minutes. They have to go, so I keep going to my section. But in almost running down Liz (one of the employees at Borders) I turn around and go a different way. Then there's this older man that sees me and recognizes me. I think he was from the dojo, but I don't know his name. We talk for like 5 minutes. From there I walk towards the CDs and see a kid from Group. So now thinking that this is COMPLETLY LUDICROUS, I walk towards the register to buy the book that I found, but I see the twins there. By then I was getting freaked out and I wanted to avoid seeing anyone else I knew, so I start walking to the art section and I pass this girl, who then calls out my name. So I turn around and say "You've got to be kidding me" and she laughs and is like "Yeah I don't come here that much." But then I explain that I've seen a lot people here, and she's like "yeah same here" so we talk about how odd it is. Effictily killed like another 10 minutes with her, which kinda surprised me because we normally don't talk too much in school. But in school she's surrounded by Matt who doesn't share her with anyone. But I ended up leaving without any incident.

Okay so it was 9 people. But I was close.

Today was uneventful really. It turns out one of my friends is sick. Like seriously sick. And they're a REAL friend. So I actually care a great deal about their well being. Aparently they had some seisure at a store while their friend was getting a piercing. And then when the peircer tried to revive her with amonia, they punched the guy. Then they ended up throwing up a ton of times, from there to the hospital.

They're getting an MRI and EEG and seeing a neurologist in a couple days. I'm actually kinda worried. I joke about how we should duel to the death, and how they would never be able to kill me and such. But now their symptoms seem like a serious buisness to me, and I really don't want anything wrong with them dispite the fact that we've told eachother to go die more times than I can count.

BLAH..

that was my weekend.

GOTTA FREAKING LOVE IT.

I also want to take a picture tomorrow. The picture will be of me in a dark background, probably wearing dark clothes. I'll have a bullet in my mouth, like a cigarette, and I'll be liting the tip with a lighter. Then I'll take a second picture with me making a finger pistol, and then make it look like the bullet is coming out of it. I'll edit it so there's a black background, or a dark background. Then the me that has the bullet in my mouth will probably be black and white, except for where the lighter casts light. And then the other me, will probably be in color, except I'll cut out my eyes. I'll probably make a target out of gun-metal and put it in between the two people. Then the text on the picture will read "Like a bullet. Meant to be shot. You're the target. Dead on the spot." That was my inspiration from Saturday.

anyway, this has been too long

out~

BLarhrahahahhahhoooodsalfjaaaaaaaassssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhooooooooooooooooooooolllpp.

I'm tired.

I want to take a nap, badly. Yesterday I was running on this energy that I have idea where it came from. I felt exhausted, and even ended up having my anger get past me, but I was still able to keep going at a pretty quick pace. Today I don't have that. Today I'm dragging my ass everywhere. BUT I still have to go to this play thing.

I'm not really looking forward to it. Since if it were up to me, I'd be out at Borders getting some writing done after what feels like a freaking eternity. But oh well. Hopefully this weekend will be restful.

A couple things.

I FINALLY got all of my recommendation letters ready to go, along with my questionnaire filled out. My interview is on Monday, and I'm as ready as I'm ever going to be for it. I WANT to do this. I WILL make it happen. I will go to this meeting with my goal in mind. And it will happen. When I'm motivated. Like really motivated. Things get done. No matter the cost.

Don't believe me? OH WELL.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow as well. Which I personally think will be a really good day. I'm going to be helping Master D out at his knife show. Which is awesome. I hope I'll have some down time to go around and look at some of the other knives there. Though seeing what Master D brings out will be interesting too. Then from there I plan on going to write. I'll bring my laptop and just leave it in the car so I don't have to go all the way home and then back to the commons. Hopefully it wont be wet tomorrow either so my Freelines are functional.

I skated so much in the commons now, that if I actually walk anywhere I feel like I'm crawling. It's unbearably slow D:

I finished the first Mistborn book and have moved on to the second one. AMAZING. That's all I can really say. I look at what I write and think "wow I suck " Kelsier is just the most amazing character ever. The final fight was freaking epic between him and the Steel Inquisitor. If it ever got made into a movie or series, I would watch it just for that fight. And maybe to see if they picked a cute actress for Vin

Something that frustrated me today. It seems that every opportunity that I perceive and get in my head that I want to take, tends to disappear, or simply become way to difficult to be even worth attempting. It's like Mike was talking about yesterday. He spent forever trying to get a cheap PSP, but they would disappear faster than he could move to get them. The only way he got one was if he found one that was broken, but in a minor enough way that he could fix it.

I dunno. Maybe it's better idea not to aim for the best thing out there. Regardless of how good it is, or how much of an advantage it would put me at by simply acheiving it, it's best to go for the underdog and then make it work to my advantage.

Though that's easier said than done. Becuase that requires that I would have the vision to see that the choice actually HAS potential, and then have the ability to make that potential come to frutation, and then use it in conjunction with myself to create a good situation.

Which honestly sounds MORE rewarding. But still...it's like "Can something be really easy? Please D:"

Maybe it's just because I'm tired that I'm getting lazy and losing my clever edge. Give some sleep and I'll become overly pensive like I should be And then when that happens I'll probably just be like "Fuck trying to get the edge, I'll just refine myself enough to beat everyone without it " Most likely this is simply because I got a taste of having that edge, and now that it's slipped away, I'm pissed off and want it back.

AHAHA! I found the music I was looking for.

I was having an issue finding a song that fit my mood at the moment. Ricochet! by Shiny Toy Guns. Feeerrreaking amazing. Heard it on the radio a couple days ago and was like " yes!"

Anyway. I'm loosing my ability to stay focused. I want to talk to thing 1 or thing 2 but they're not online! Whatev. They better be on later so I can at least say HI. I keep seeing them in school, but never had the chance to see how they were doing.

Out~

There's something there.

At the edge my fingertips, I know there's something. It's growing, and I know it.

I just don't know what it is.

I first want to say a couple of things. One of them is off topic. So I'll go with the off topic one. Obama has a Myspace. funny. I'm wondering if McCain has a myspace as well. Also on Obama's space, it has a tab in the corner that says "Powered by Hope" I thought it was amusing. But he's a clever guy. If you take everyone's wishes, and boil them down into a few words that can be used over and over, you have power.

Also. I really like walking my dog at night. It's interesting. I live everyday in a world that covers everyone with steel cables, pulling them this way and that. Tying them down to make sure they behave a certain way, talk a certain way, do certain things. Depending on how you think you get a different set of steel cables. But in the end, they're binding all the same. But at night, I'm not bound by these cables. I'm hidden in the night. Nobody knows I'm there, so I gently slip through them. And now I'm on Earth. The real Earth. The one that is deep, the one that is alive. It's old and it's strong.

It's the only time I feel like I can feel myself. I can feel how small I am, but also how much power I have. I can feel the truth, and I can feel the future. I can feel the pasts, and mistakes and pains. I feel like I'm a part of something grand. I feel proud to be alive. I feel proud to be human.

It's horrible I can only feel it at night.

The day is harsh, while the night is soft. Day has power while night has peace.

The dark contains as much truth as the light does.

I realize we rely so much on what we see, and what we hear. But just because you can't see a truth, or hear a truth, doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

The only truth that is absolute is the one that you feel within yourself.

I feel that now is a time of great change. Not just because political figures say it, but that's just what's going to happen. There is going to be a lot happening in the world. None of it will be good. I personally think that we're do for some very dark times. I think that now is as good a time as any to test the human race. Will we be able to save the planet? How about ourselves? Will we redefine the way we interact amoung eachother?

Now that there is so much information running around, there will be a war in it. Wars of ideas, thoughts and beliefs. There will need to be people that will rise up for the occasion. We already have some starting. Our president elect. I'm not endorsing him, or busting him. I'm simply saying that he is a very powerful force in the world.

And there will be others. Others with stength like him. Others that will create an opening for the new generation. The generation that has been born in this world that is slowly falling apart. The generation that everything will be dumped on. And that's where things will be decided.

We will rise. Now whether we rise enough to fix once and for all what is broken, or rise just enough to pass the burden on and not have to deal with it, is up for grabs.

I feel that as a species we no longer really evolve in any noticeable way. We don't really change. But the lines that connect us all together evolve in steps. Like the energy levels at an atomic level. There is in between, there is one level and then there is another.

I'm starting to lose things. It's depressing. This is what I absolutely HATE about my family. I'm never given the silence that I need to continue on with what I'm thinking. And if I were to get mad and force them to comply, I would get what I wanted, but then of course the flare of passion that it took for me to get what I wanted would have burned away what I was thinking.

Anyway.

Right now I feel like it's a new age. I'm talking about my timeline though, not the world's. We're getting a little closer to home now but really. It feels like I'm in a transistion period in which I chose what's going to stay and what is going to go. There are certain parts of me that are slowly being shed and disappearing, while other parts are growing in strength. I wonder what will happen once it's done. What will I become? I'm kind of excited. It's also kind of saddening.

For example. When I moved to connecticut there was a very large transformation in who I was. And once I got into my Sophomore year in highschool there was another change. You can actually witness it with the blog I think. If you were to read some past entries and then compare them with how they are now, they have a different flavor to them.

I think that I'm becoming more worldly I guess. Focusing on the things that bind everyone together instead of focusing on what's on the surface. I feel like I see things that nobody is paying attention to. Like for example. The Veteran's Day thing at school.

Honestly. It was the most amount of Bullshit I've ever seen in school. Yeah. It made sense. We give honor to those that fought to save our country. But seriously. There were newly elected politicians there. They wanted to give all of the veterans a certificate and then wanted to take a picture with them. It was horrible. They DIDN'T GIVE A SHIT about the veterans. They said they did. But I seriously doubted it. The boy scouts that were there. They cared. They had a reverence for these people. But not the politicions who were praising the veterans and saying how brave they were. I wonder if they saw it. After all the praise, none of them wanted to speak. A couple of them did, and they spoke with strength. Not caring about those fake smiles that they were being encouraged with. I hated it. It felt so wrong

But the thing was. It LOOKED right. It SOUNDED right. It didn't feel right.

I think I'm starting to search more for those right feelings instead of what looks and sounds okay. That's why I like doing this group thing so much. It's about feeling. It's a very delecate thing. We're supposed to be getting past what we hear and see and get down to what we feel. Maybe that's why Howhow wants me there so much, because he sees me trying to do this. I think eventually there will be a breakthrough. A Snapping of sorts, where I'll be like "okay! I get this now" And then from there I'll move onto my next stage.

I also think I'm still on this constant search for true Freedom. Maybe that's why I'm so drawn to the night, and why I love speed. For example, Saturday I went rollerblading with White, Cookie and Dirty. ( I love coming up with names. God knows I'll forget them in like 5 years) It was a little awkward overall because I trust White, and because I trust white, I trust Cookie. But I really don't trust Dirty at all. They just feel wrong somehow. I don't know how to explain it, but it feels like they're tainted. (hence why their nickname is now Dirty) But I could escape all of that by going fast. By making my muscles push me so that the wind blows through my hair. My only focus is going faster.

It's like a form, or when I'm fighting good. All that matters is my body. My mind has nothing in this. It's just making everything work together. The ground that I push off of, the wheels that are my connection between skin and ground. My weight and balance that throw myself in the direction I want. It's amazing. It's intoxicating. The only time that came close to that feeling is when I just simply got over my awkwardness and decided to have a little fun.

I came up behind Cookie (because they were dancing for everyone else when they came around) so I snuck up behind them and did a little dance too. But I was still going too fast, so I had to like hop out of the way and spin on the ground. It was good to know that in a pinch, I still could use blades pretty good. Because I was able to move so that I didn't tackle them, or fall on my face. And I laughed when I saw the expression on Cookie's face. It was fun.

But there's a difference between fun and release. Fun is where I'm truly myself. There is no masks or shells. But a release is when I lose myself. I hope to come to a point in life where I'm either having fun or releasing myself.

I kinda want to be the person that you see when you go someplace that you either love or hate. You love me because of what I'm doing. Or you hate me for it. I want to be the stranger that you never forget.

Like this old woman. I was skating and she started yelling at me, saying how a hodlum like me shouldn't be skating around and scaring her. She was just spouting all this crap. I was getting really mad. Because I'm in the middle of finding that peace that comes from just floating in the air. I really didn't want to disturb her. I went out of my way to avoid her instead of skating right past her. So as I got farther away she got louder and louder until I just ducked inbetween some cars to get away from her. I felt horrible. Why? Because I let the cables that bind me hold me. I felt disapointed with myself. I wanted freedom while skating, and I didn't give myself it. I was Mad, I should have told her off.

But I went in the other direction, and went to go grab something to drink and a snack. So then I start coming back the other way. And aparently the old lady heard me coming and started making more comments. This time though I didn't think. I just got angry and let myself get angry. So as I passed her, I was grinning like I had won the lottery and gave her the finger.

Yeah, you might think it immature. Hate me for it. DO IT. I dare you. I did it because it felt like the thing I wanted to do at the moment. It might not have been the right thing, but it was what I wanted. And at the moment I was free.

And I think she saw it. Because she didn't say anything until we broke eye contact. She was just stunned. I hope she doesn't forget me. I hope she remembers the "hodlum" that flipped her the bird because he wanted to.

I've said a lot. I've ranted. There's going to be some more. It's been a long time since I've written anything down, and I have to get some things off my chest.

Out~

I don't know if today was a good day or not. It's kinda confusing. Well not really confusing, but there were good and bad things that mixed in a way that left me going WTF?? But yeah.

I like rainy days. When it's pouring out like it was this morning. I don't like the pissy crap that's like overzealous mist. So this morning was pretty cool. Although I was kinda tired, which makes sense seeing as I procrastinated with getting to sleep last night.

I got into school not feeling 100% though. I don't know why, but I was kinda happy and toasty, and then for some reason the heat was turned off and it started to get colder, and it felt like a draft was going through the bus. So I guess I do know why I was pissed off but yeah. I went in feeling like I wanted to bite heads.

History was history. It was kinda fun because our little quiz wasn't a test of our knowledge, but a test on our ability to cheat pretty much at least. Since I could only remember about 3/4 of the answers. So I went through my notes and reading to find the rest. People around me were more or less doing the same, or just looking off of someone else's paper.

Spanish BLEW. Blew some major COJONES (that's balls in Spanish if you didn't know) We got our seats moved because she let us chose them. So I picked two people that I liked since I really don't like the teacher or how she teaches. So she noticed that I was having too good a time and moved me to a shit seat right in front of the class next to someone who's so shy she almost doesn't have any substance to her body. My two friends are as far from me as possible :[ it pissed me off. And then we had to do these gay quiz things online to "learn" But honestly I all I learned really was the pattern to get the answers right. If you told me to actually use it. I couldn't. IT'S NOT TEACHING. Although she gave us a packet printed from the book that shows us examples of conjugations. Which was good :] she gets a point

BUT NOT ENOUGH TO MATTER >:

Civics was just working. Nothing super fantastic. It was boring.

Study hall was boring too. ALTHOUGH I had a bit of fun with some of my spanish homework. Since I didn't feel like doing all of it, I did half of it, and then on paint I edited it so that it looks like I did the other half. it looks pretty legit. Yeah, one looks a little more pixily because it's a copy of a copy. But I can just say "Different printers " and it'll be totally okay. It's not like she's going to say "YOU PHOTOSHOPPED IT" It was a little effort. But I had more fun doing that then actually doing the test :]

Chemistry was fuuunn. Well not like "YAY" fun. But it was cool. I got a mad good grade on my test. Which I really needed. I need to bump up my chem grade because of that missing lab. Hopefully the fact that I got a 106% on it (there was a curve added onto my already amazing grade ) will help. I drew a cool picture that I'm proud of on it as well :]. Also. We found out the some chemists don't get any. Or are just in the closet. Because we learned about how charges with balls and a rod.

Yeah. THINK IT.

But seriously. If he spoke normal it would've been fine. But he was like "Now I'm going to take this ROD and rub it. So when I rub the ROD the ROD gains a negative charge. So when I pass it by these BALLS they get the negative charge from the ROD." It sounded like he was trying to make sure everyone understood the sexual innuendo that was going on in his head. Even the teacher was trying not to laugh.

This guy is old and has to title of Dr. And he chuckles and has fun! He's freaking amazing. He also explained how atoms give off light in a fun way too. "The electrons get excited and go up. And then they release everything in them and go back down." Of course he had explained it more scientifically before, but this was just a quick overveiw. Some got it. Some didn't. If you don't here you go:

When atoms orgasm. They give off light

English kinda sucked seeing as we were in the library doing research for ANOTHER research paper, at the same time we're doing another on in history. So yeah. Not fun. Though she claims it's not nearly as bad as we make it out to be. So it was boring. Though I did get some work done :] rough draft due monday. That sucks.

Bus was boring. Nothing interesting. Just listening to dumb and dumber. Or trying to tune them out without making myself deaf in the process.

I cleaned my dry erase board today : I don't know how I feel about it. I knew it had to be done at some point. It's not like I read the stuff on it all that much anymore. And between my Mom and Rhys, a lot of the stuff got changed. So everything is gone now. I used some heavy chemicals on it to make it whiter than it's been in years and then I wrote some stuff on it.

It's still pretty blank : but that'll change. I have a lot of coloured dry erase markers, and hopefully I draw some stuff on it, or write some stuff. Probably both, knowing me Right now "Reverence Out~" and "Monochrome Sunset" are the only things on it. Along with a couple of pictures that I have taped to it.

My Dad made a comment not too long ago (which pissed me off so badly that I had to sit down and write a blog just to chill out). But he said that the external represents the internal. And the fact my board is clean shows how I'm "cleared up" on the inside. BULLSHIT. I hate seeing all that white. I immediatly turned around and said "I'm going to fill it up again as soon as I can. I hate seeing it blank like that." Which killed his argument pretty much.

Yeah. It DOES represent my inside. And my inside is not a bleached white. It's filled with words and colours and images and sounds that would make your mind spin.

When I'm angry. You're not going to win.

BUT ANYWAY. Went to kempo. Nothing impressive. I just got worked out a pretty decent amount. I wasn't feeling to hot anyway. My stomach and breathing was killing me. Probably from the shit that I was breathing in as I scrubbed away stains that are like two years old.

I'm looking forward to open house though that'll be maaad cool.

We have to drive some kid home from the dojo. And he annoys the HELL out of me in the car. Since he just adores to sing along with any song that he knows. So I try to jump from station to station to make sure that we're listening to music that he doesn't know, and that I can still tolerate. Which means I had to listen to some crap Coldplay song instead of listening to Tainted Love.

Got home. Dad said his stupid little comment.

Oh. The woman that's going to be interveiwing me at some point sent us another e-mail. But it was halloween funny pictures. I found it amusing that she's sending us (only the teenagers I noticed. Nobody else) stuff that master D would pass onto us. I guess it helps in deciding how I should talk to them. Right now I talk as formally as I possibly can. Buisness only. Maybe I can loosen up and joke and such it'll be more fun. Oh well. It'll be a slow transition still.

Anyway. It's been real. I feel a lot better despite the fact that I got to talk to nobody that I wanted to talk to D:

Out~

Ugh!

UGH!

I hate dentists!

How the hell do you decide you want to be a dentist in the first place?

"Oh! I like sticking my fingers in peoples' mouths! I like to tell people that they're doing shit wrong! I like to torture people too! Omg! I should be a dentist!" Yeah. They suck. Their office sucks. What they do sucks. Their shitty little "prizes" suck. And the shit they put in your mouth sucks.

"You know...if you flossed, you wouldn't bleed so much."  O really? If I floss my gums will magically turn into metal so whenever you SHANK me with your stupid tools I wont bleed? Would your gums bleed if I stabbed you?

During the entire procedure I'm trying really hard not to bite someone, or push them away or something. I don't like sitting on this little seat that makes me feel like I'm in a morgue while someone hurts me. And then at the end, I look in the mirror and I look like an effing vampire because of all the damage they've done.

Oh and I feel sick with the weird tooth-paste they use and this foam shit. Ugh. I hate it! I'm so glad that I wont have to go there for a while now.

On a brighter note. I REALLY want to get into this People to People program in which I would be going to Japan for two weeks in the summer. I sent in my application online as soon as I got home from the meeting. That was Saturday, and today I just got an e-mail saying that the leaders just got their lists for the interviews and we will be getting messages for when they are.

As I've been distributing my reference sheets and doing the questionnaire I thought I was moving fast, but apparently I'm moving at just the speed they are. They're seriously booking. It should be a maybe a month before I know if I'm in or not. By then I need two more people to say I'm awesome, and go through an interview process. Then from there I'll be getting training I guess.

We learn about the country, because they say that in Japan, they're current with what's going on in our country so it's only fair that we be current on what's going on in their country. Which makes sense, so I'm not complaining. I'm excited. I so badly want to be picked.

anyway. I'm donnneee. I'm lazy and bored.

Out~

I'm so mad.

Or at least I think I am.

I don't know.

I know that I want to tear off my skin and shout to the sky.

I feel like I'm at the bottom of the ocean. I have the crushing force of all this water on my shoulders. I can barely see through the green haze around me. Can't move. Everything I breath and taste is a constant reminder of where I am.

I want to leave here so badly. I want someone to come and whisk me away from this place. And I don't think it'll happen.

The last time I wanted this, I knew it was coming. This time, I know I'm pretty much trapped here for another two years. I'm not allowed to go anywhere.

It's exactly like it was in Illinois pretty much. I'm covered in all of this horrible plastic. Just covered. I'm surrounded by it too. Nobody is away from it. Not that I see at least.

I hate people.

I want to find one person that I can connect completely with on a deep level. I don't fucking care if it's a boy or a girl. I just want to know that there's someone out there that can make the same tones that I'm making.

I'm tired. I can't think. Bed time.

Out~

OKAY.

So last night and today have been filled with little moments of enlightenment. Mostly today more than last night. Last night was more of a "Aren't the ironies of life amazing?" So I'll start with last night, and the move on to today. Today's might also be a little lazyily done, because I pretty much got everything out that I wanted to get out, so there really isn't much left so say other than I DID get it out.

So Saturday night for me is D-day. In my own opinion. And I realize now that the D can stand for Dance since that is what is going on that night. But anyway. The plan for Saturday night is that I go to the dance. If I like it, I'll stay, and see if I can ask red to a dance. If I get bored with the dance pretty early on, and decide it's not worth staying, I'll leave to Friendly's with S. Hopefully S's friend will want to come to, so it won't be as painfully awkward as I forsee it being. Of course there's the idea that I don't go to dinner at all, I get bored with the dance, and go home without anything happening. Which probably will happen, now that I think about it.

Though the funny thing about it is that Dani and I have established that our relationship is very ying-yang. If things are bad for her, they're good for me and vice versa. She's been having a lot of relationship drama for the past few weeks, while I've had none. So HER D-day ALSO happens to be Saturday night as well. It's just how she planned it.

So we've both decided that we'll guess how the other's night went judging on how our nights go. Though we've also thought that MOST likely, neither of our nights will be good or bad, they'll just be blah.

So today was Group day! It was interesting. I said pretty much nothing I feel a little odd with this group of people. :[ I miss my old group.

But anyway, the most important thing was that I was getting a feeling from three people in there all at once. Which usually never happens. It's usually only one on one when I start to get perceptive about certain people.

But it bothered me, it felt like I was going to explode. And I pretty much did. Slowly. I went to Pat during lunch and talked to him about it, and we had a very good conversation. And it pretty much ended with him telling me what I've been telling myself. I've got to trust my own instincts.

"The only thing you'll ever actually KNOW is your own experiences." Or something like that. While I was trying to find an absolute answer, the only thing that I Can find, or will ever find is the abstract truths that I make for myself.

I guess I'm okay with that.

Although in the next few sessions, I will try to keep an eye on one specific person the entire time. Because really. I want to know what she's about. I can either dislike her, or just be very curious about her. And really, I think I'm more curious than there is for a dislike. I can't dislike her unless I know at least a little about her.

And who knows. Maybe she'll shed some of this offensive personality that she has, or maybe it's just something that she hides behind. I wonder who really is behind that person at Oz. Will the curtain reveil a portrait of what I've been seeing all along, or am I going to find a girl that hides behind a storm of words and thoughts to keep from having the sharpness of reality cut her?

And I also wouldn't mind getting to know Colin. I know he's an interesting person, but from what I heard him saying, it'll be cool to talk to him more. He's a pretty deep person. He got me thinking about a few thigns too. But anyway. Molly comes first, because she was driving me insane.

And maybe it's a little arrogance as well, now that I think about it. She said she's perceptive, and I don't exactly trust or believe the things she says yet. So maybe I'm just trying to find proof that she's not what she says she is. Really though, I'm just curious as to what the hell her deal is.

And it's more of a "What the hell is up with you?" kind of thing than the innocent curiousness that I normally have.

Anyway. That's all I have for now. I don't think I'll have another entry today after this one, since I doubt that anything really important will happen from now until I go to bed. I also have to remember to E-mail my mom the add that I did for her, and tell the Gladiator the URL. And that's the end to my "note to self" hopefully I'll remember. Like I haven't for the past couple days.

I know I got lazy with Molly and Colin if they're names become vaugly important later on, I'll think of some nicknames for them. But for now...! I'm off!

Out~

Things right now are at a point in which I cannot complain. Which means that they're pretty good. Which of course is a good thing :D

Let's see. Yesterday was pretty good :] I got to talk to Amber like on the phone. It's been a while since we had a civilized conversation on ANY form of communication in a little while. Things have been cleared up A LOT. Set straight to a degree.

It's not perfect of course, but at least the truths have been said and understood on both sides. So I'm happy with it.

If it was perfect, we'd still be together and she'd be my next door neighbor

that would ROCK

School today was hectic as hell.

Well let me say something odd that happened last night.

It took me at least an hour to get to sleep. Or at least that's what it felt like. I had some weird dreams that I can't quite remember, and then when I woke up, I had both of my rings on my thumb. I wear two rings. One on my thumb, because it's bigger, and the smaller one is on my middle finger. Both on my left hand. And somehow overnight the one that's normally on my middle finger, found it's way around my thumb. WoooooOooOOoOOooo scary.

Anyway. This week is spirit week!! Hu-Rah!

This spirit week is apparently on steroids. The teachers put on this little skit for us that looked like it cam straight from Clue. Anyway. There was a murder, and now the students have been employed to solve it. Those that get it right are entered into a drawing for $100. ALSO we're going to be having a point system for the years. (Hogwarts much?) and the winner gets some money put into the class account, and we get a free snack at Homecoming.

Today was Button day. I'm terrible at button day I've never found my match without cheating. So I didn't get a lollipop. But oh well. Colour wars are tomorrow. Which means each class is given a colour and you have to wear it. This year though, we get points. So it's getting pretty competitive. Or at least more than it was last year.

Then wednesday is "Fake and injury day". We all plan on jumping the McCain supporters in the Junior class that day and giving them real injuries jk. But real injuries give you extra points I have enough wraps to make me look like the Mummy, so I'll figure something out.

Let's wrap this up

I heard from Howley that my English teacher was a little worried about me because I drew a finger pistol on my test. This is a test I was not prepared for because I didn't read. And she just said write down you didn't read instead of guessing. So that's what I did, and then proceeded to draw over it

I thought it was kinda funny. She loves Poe, a VERY morbid man, yet once the finger pistols come out those red flags go up. Oh well! I don't care.

Oh yeah, and my Zune died today. FUN

Out~

Nothing too important to say about today. Just Michael's birthday party, and some bantering with yellow. Nothing amazing. I want to get to this though....

Okay. So the thing I was talking about last night. That list. Here's what it's about. I've heard this theory a million and a half times, in different ways. But they all say something like this: You're subconscious mind controls the fabric of the universe and you can bend it to your will to make ANYTHING you want happen.

I personally think this is a little bit of bullshit seeing as if you could make the universe work the way you wanted it to work, it would inevitably clash with the way someone else wanted to universe to work. I also believe that the universe works the opposite way I want it to work. So pick what you want to believe.

But anyway. This list thing is working off the theory that you can do whatever you want, no matter how outlandish it seems. As long as it's physically possible, then it can happen. Things will just fall into place in just the right way for you.

a.k.a: No matter what you're parents have told you, experts are telling you "you are the center of the universe". How's that for an ego trip?

BACK ON TRACK

The mission is this:

Make a list of five things that you don't think could possibly happen this school year. Be as cryptic as you want. I don't care. Just write them down. I'll put two examples. Here's my list

1. Have something I write be noticed by someone important
2. Find a reason to stay
3. Have a day of myself, and then keep it going
4. Get angry, happy, and have fun ALL at one time
5. Have a real adventure

One of the ones in the book went like this:

1. Sing with Bleeder Valve (I don't think they're a real band, but it's a fiction novel)
2. Get a tattoo
3. Work things out with shay
4. Confront D.
5. Tell Serena

So that's how it works. Make a list for yourself now, and post it someplace

Out~