So I realize I'm being super inconsistent, and that most likely I wont be writing for a while, and that's how it'll work. I'll freak out and write like three entries in a day.

And then wont say anything for a week!

Or maybe I'll start writing more frequently again, because I realize how good it is to put things down. It's nice. I don't know.

What the hell! That's all I can say. I can't handle that. Why do people do that? Give themselves up to God? Who the fuck is God anyway? An abstract being, that may or may not exist. People like myself is what killed church for me. Being stuck in a room filled with people who just say words and don't mean anything with them was sickening. And now I'm all up in arms when I see people who actually do believe.

It's ridiculous.

But seriously. People who are giving their lives up to some THOUGHT. Really. If God does exist, I expect Him to be just a mass of life. There's no way in hell that whatever it is, it can think. God would have to be the thing that sparked life in the world, and then the current that keeps it moving in the same direction. So I hear about God's plan.

Essentially. I think God's plan is this. We're born. We die. We don't come back.

BANG. That's the way life works. That's the way the world works. I wont get into whether ore not there's an afterlife, because that's even more ridiculous. It's impossible to even argue that one either way. For me at least.

But how can someone think that God is going to give them everything that they need in life? They're just closing their eyes and looking at the weird green afterimage that comes after looking at a really bright light. People Pray for their guidance. I want to talk to one of these people. Like face to face, and watch them defend themselves. I want to pick and tear at the way they live their life. Maybe they can get me to believe that God is a benevolent being. Maybe I can get them to believe that humans are their own gods.

I don't know. The whole idea is freaking ludicrous.

Oh. And I saw Wolverine.

Totally not worth it. Hugh Jackman is a great actor though, and the girls behind me got a kick out of seeing him naked. I think they fabricated a lot of stuff though. I wont even get into it. I think I've said it like 5 times, along with the reasons why. Which is way too many times.

I think I'm going to read now! More Monday probably. Or Tuesday. I doubt I'll have anything to say by tomorrow unless I have some crazy dreams.

Out~

So lets see. I think I've only done, what? Two or three of these? I tend not communicate to people since I feel that there are very few that stumble on this place. Which, as of late, I've been trying to make that more and more difficult, by eradicating things that attach these words to my real face.

But anyway. This is in response to Keith's last comment which I have found incredibly wonderful.

I'll start off by saying that I'm not gay. I have no problems with it though, so I take no offense to it. A very wise man once told me "People only get offended because they themselves are insecure about their sexuality" Whether this is true or not, I'm not sure. But I know I can easily say that I'm straight.

Though it's not the first time I've been thought of as gay. Some reasons make more sense than others. I can count the girlfriends I've had on one hand with room to spare. I don't participate the "Would you fuck her?" conversations because I think they're vulgar and disgusting. I have long hair that I actually take very good care of. And I'll totally wear Thing 2's teddy bear hat. My family has thought I was gay for a period of time apparently.

My question would be then, why did you think I might be gay? I'm not upset, just curious in a good nature.

I find it a little funny that you brought up "Out~" because even to me from time to time, it's a little odd. But it's more or less my signature. When I started blogging, I always ended in a line with "And so I'm out." Or something to that effect. But eventually I just streamlined it to be Out~ just to signify "The End" While it's not necessary, I do like holding onto silly habits.

To be honest. After taking a quick look at what Dysthymia is, I wouldn't be surprised if a doctor could pin it on me. BUT I will never let a doctor label my brain like it's some disease. Yes. I get depressed. Some might even say that it's a dangerous thing. People have actually told me it's a dangerous thing. But, it happens to be a part of my mind. And to get rid of it, there will be a price. Whether it's monetary because my family would have to pay for therapy, or my health because someone gives me some pills, I refuse to pay it. I've learned to live with it.

Besides. The night is the companion to the day, and nobody goes around trying to eradicate it.  

Oh and when I still talked to Star, she told me enough about being a teenager with any kind emotional disorder. It scarred her. Because despite what I write on the blog, there are certain things I don't write. And when I told Star about them, she warned me never to tell a professional about it.

Personally, I feel that if anything, all this is just a test. A crucible of sorts. Because as a human, we all try to get away from things that are not pleasurable. And just like a human, I try to get away from negative feelings. So I slowly evolve to become a better, happier person.

And I'm still 17, I have a decent amount of years left. 

Out~

So I feel like I'm almost slightly forcing myself to do this. Even though last night, I really wanted to write, but I wanted to read as well, and it was just messy overall. Though I have a decent amount of time, and even if thing don't turn out as planned, I have been thinking so much lately it's making me sick, so I should be able to get something down. Right? That would make sense.

Anyway. This whole thing started around Wednesday. I think. Or was it Tuesday? Wow. Shit. Yeah, it was Tuesday. That sucks actually now that I think about it.

Anyway. Tuesday has become group day. And this group sucked really, even though it's been a while since I've seen Star and How. But really. Group was devoted to things I didn't want to deal with. It might have had something to do with the fact that I was tired, but I felt disgusting. And because we were talking about Boyfriend troubles, I didn't feel like I could come out with "Hey everyone. I'm sorry that you guys can't find 'true love'. The truth is, you're not going to find it. So stop actually looking for it. Now onto me. I feel like my soul, or whatever inhabits this fat husk of a body, is decayed and broken beyond any hope of total repair." While it would have totally drawn everyone's focus onto me, I don't think I could speak more than that. I'd just retreat.

So I was pretty much stuck. Saying anything would've made it so that I couldn't say anything more about the subject. But if I stayed silent, I'd just be tortured by it. So tortured I was. How and Star went back and forth between eachother, praising their perceptive abilities. How even though the people of the group put masks on, they could see through them. Why? Because they pressed three people slightly, and bang! Go figure. They're not feeling too great. One even cried. And then I'm in my little corner, wondering how pissed off people would be if I just got up and left. Because I'm just this writhing mass of shadowed snakes, and nobody can see it. Not even the self-proclaimed Seers of Emotion.

But that state would eventually poison me. And seeing as I wouldn't be able to write about it here anytime soon, I decided that I needed to talk to How. Even if it was just for a little bit. So I set up and appointment with him later in the day. Again, face to face, whatever was inside me, wasn't visible by him.

So anyway. Skipping some stuff I can't even remember at this point, I got to his office, and guess what? That damned man forgot about me. He was having a meeting with the others in his department instead. Through the day, I was wondering if I'd be able to pull back up those emotions that I had felt in group, because the moment I stepped out of the office I easily fell back into normality. But I was able to call them back up, ready to talk to him, and then I was forgotten.

I don't think I've ever felt so damaged by anyone else inside the school. He might have as well punched me in the face. It would've been easier to deal with. But being fucking forgotten.

But how do you know he forgot about your meeting? He wrote it down, right?

Yes. He did. Next day though, I saw him and he didn't say anything about it.

So the man who I thought wouldn't forget me as long as I was physically present inside this gross establishment, did just that. Maybe I'm just too much to deal with. I'm either emotionless, or bursting with it, exploding blood and sadness on his carpet, and then leaving. The most important people are obviously the one who deal with physical problems. Drugs. Parents. Whatever. A rotting soul can come last, because if he's learned anything about me, it's that I've become a professional at holding a persona so strongly that my deep pain is trapped beneath one way glass. And then I find a way to strangle it to uselessness for a period of time.

There is nobody that I can trust with everything. Not even myself. But at least I am the only one who knows how to fight myself.

After walking around a little, things calmed down. I felt like shit, but that was by myself. The second I found some people to be around, it all more or less went away.

But I've been thinking about it for a while. 17 years has taught me that people are all essentially simple creatures. Regardless of whatever depth a person has to them, we are all shallow. I can pretend to be whoever I want, and I don't even have to do it well. It's all superficial. I don't have to believe in anything. I just have to copy the person I'm with well enough so that I'm not conspicuous.

 I had a talk with my Mom about this. Just because I was really into the taking mood on Friday. And we just talked about people in general. I can't even remember how we got onto the topic. It might have been me purposefully getting into it.

The thing I realized though, is I don't know if I should be proud of myself, or disgusted? My Mom admitted that even though she's can tell how we're all feeling, it scares her a little sometimes that when she looks she feels like she can't tell anymore. That instead of seeing what I'm really feeling, she's seeing what I want her to see.

So if the person who gave birth to me, can't see through what I make, what chance does anyone else have?

Though what does that make me then? Should I be glad about this? I mean, through all my moving, being the new kid, not being able to fit in very well, be alone more often than not. My sixth grade self would be in awe at what I've become. He'd worship the ground I walked on, and be elated that his wishes do come true. Of course, he'd be upset at a couple of things. Nowhere near enough to be upset with me, but enough to be a little disappointed.

But then it also makes me wonder. Why can't I just be normal? I don't have to be just like everyone else. I just need to have some solid friends that all fit in a general area. Not way across the board, because then that just keeps me spread thin. Of course, that hasn't happened.

So that's one half of what I've been thinking. Or roughly at least

The other has been something that I tend to think about from time to time, just because I have yet to experience it. And the book I've been reading has me thinking about it yet again. What would it be like to hurt someone? I guess it sounds horrible unless you've been inside my body when I've been dipped into the pool of anger that I hide away in my chest.

See, I feel like I'm composed of two very huge pools of two emotions. Sadness, and Anger. Every other emotion is dwarfed by the sheer strength that the two dominate ones hold. Basically, they're opposing forces, which I why I'm able to hide them so easily, but sometimes they spill over. Sadness is shadows, Anger is fire.

Anyway. Anger is something I don't have to deal with very much, since it's the one emotion that I've had the most work on suppressing, because when it gets out of control, it's incredibly dangerous. Something I've  told How, and he asked if I could drag it out inside the group. HA! That would end up being terrible. Because every time I dip into my anger purposefully, it's a controlled, cold and powerful hate.

Off topic slightly. SO, in the book the character has to deal with the fact that he's been trained to kill, and now he's been asked to stop. His life has been filled with killing, and now without it, he's not sure what to do. And it pains him to hold it back.

So that got me wondering. When I get mad. Like really, 100% angry, there's no suppressing the feeling, it's painful. Because instead of holding back what I'm feeling, I have to hold back my body. Which when I was a child, didn't matter, because I just let myself do whatever, and my weakness kept me in check. But now, my muscles ache to be used. They burn with this power, this terrible urge to be used without restraint.

And it makes me wonder. What am I really?

Because when I sparred in tournaments. It was delicious. These were people I didn't know, and they didn't know me. So when we fought, nobody cared about the other person. It's the closest I've ever gotten to full freedom with my body, and it loves it. It loves being able to go as fast as it wants. It loves winning and listening to my mind completely without rules.

The dangerous thing was, I've hurt someone sparring. Kicked him in the face. And it was so effortless. No pain on my part. And when I did it, I felt no remorse. I kicked and knew it connected somehow. Even though it wasn't the goal, it was accepted error. I was able to see blood coming out of his nose in the split second before I turned around to kneel. I thought I had broken his nose, and all I could dwell on was how easily it had been done.

Turns out I didn't break his nose, but I ripped it instead. Not as bad as I thought. Just little cuts. But they still bled like he had broken it.

Now I know I'm capable of fighting without remorse. And I don't know what kind of power is inside those muscles when they burn. I know my strength enough that in the dojo I can avoid hurting people. But I don't know where it ends. Where is my limit? And I feel like a monster wondering that. Could I kill a human with my bare hands? I probably could. Could I fight someone trying to kill me? I want to find out at the same time I don't.

I don't know.

I feel like there's something more to me. Something that's grown deep inside those pools. And it wants to get out. Maybe it's something terrible. But maybe it's something worth getting to know, because it is a part of me. 

Sigh. I don't know. I really don't.

One thing I do know though is what this blog has become. It's become a trash dump. Not because the stuff I write in here is bad. I've realized that the things I write down here are things I just can't hold inside my body. Which would explain the range of things I write down. From petty teenage things, to the complex subjects.

It's all stuff that when I get into school, I DO NOT want inside my head. For example. I don't really want to like Holland. So I talk about it here, so when I get into school, it's gone. I also don't want to dwell on what it'd be like to get into a real fight inside school, so that goes here too. God. Here. Friends, Sex, Drugs, Depression, Anger, Opinions. All go in here.

Maybe it's more like a shower then. I wash here so I'm clean everywhere else. Makes life easier to deal with.

Though I'm realizing, that my capacity is becoming larger, which I why I don't write as often anymore. I can carry more baggage and still appear fine. Though when I finally dump my baggage, there's a decent amount of it.

I'm getting tired of writing. I've pretty much written something longer than my research paper back in the beginning of the year, right now. I have other things to do. I think.

Out~

So pretty much, the past few days, except for this weekend, have been filled with absolutely nothing of value.

I went to Photog club, and that turned out to be more or less a total bust. We just talked a whole hell of a lot. Which I guess wasn't too too bad. It just wasn't the fun thing I thought I was getting into. And apparently the teacher who runs it doesn't like anyone, and Thing 1 doesn't like the teacher, EVEN THOUGH they appear to be happy around eachother. I guess it's too hard to keep track of so many fakers.

Anyway. Fun started Friday. I went to go see Earth with White Noise, Thing 1 and Con. A lot less people than we had originally thought, but it turned out to be a really good time. It was just a chill night. The kind of nights that I'll probably end up missing a whole hell of a lot. Some music and open windows really goes a long way. And I hate to think that I have the feeling that it'll be gone soon.

Saturday was basically only for the play Grease. And it was bittersweet.

Bitter: I went with Con, which allowed for a better public appearance anyway. But at this point, I was totally fine with going to the play by myself. He arrived late as well, making us sit way in the back, because the place was packed. So I could've definitely gotten a better view and it was also hard to hear because they were having some mic troubles.

Sweet: The play was actually pretty good despite everything. I was really glad that I went. I still do wish I was able to go Friday with Casper. Though I couldn't be two places at once, and there was no point in choosing one thing over another. Also, I was able to shake off Con at the end so I could go talk to all the people who performed, seeing as he was just going to go home. I was really happy that Holland actually hunted me out. It was a monster crowd and we made eye contact for like half a second and then she was swallowed up by people. So I ended up talking to Kelly for a bit, and Holland came up on the two of us. I also talked to Charlie a little bit and Corina. I couldn't find Austin to save my life. I left pretty happy. Well, I could've been more happy. But I think it was sobering. Not in a shocking way, but a "Oh. So that's how it all ended up working out. Okay." I went home in an odd state.

Today was. Really. Fucking. Hot. I mowed the lawn, and it was basically useless despite being commanded to. There was only like two parts of the law that needed mowing, the rest of it just got blade blown air all over it.

Anyway. This is digressing. I wonder what Monday will bring? Hopefully something interesting. I wouldn't mind. Although I'm looking forward to this Friday. I'm FINALLY going to dinner with the bus crew. This is like 5 months late. But whatever.

Ugh, I'll have to pay D:

Out~

So pretty much, I'm not sure what I'm going to do with myself. I feel really kind of confused right now, and again am going through another point in my life where I'm questioning things.

I don't know. It gets annoying to be honest. I walk around tired and withdrawn from the world because I'm not completely sure how I'm supposed to be fitting into it. I'm like some crappy piece of technology that someone is trying very hard to turn into something great, and is updating and patching me every couple of months. I wonder if at some point I'll even run around calling myself by a different name. Or maybe I'll just go insane.

I think my largest issue is with Holland. And it's not even really an issue, but more of a I'm pissed at life and such because of it. I try so hard to ignore things, but it's just in my face. And I don't even understand how I've gotten myself into this. I don't know how to talk to them to begin with. I just listen and ask questions, I can't make any real comments, and I can never actually say anything about myself. It's just I've been drawn into something warm and I can't quite shake it.

Or maybe it's what's in the eyes. There's something there sometimes. A dark look. And what I mean by that isn't dark in the sense of a mean look. But a dark look as a solemn. Like I'm actually being looked at. So yeah, it's really nice to hear about all these things, and to laugh and joke around with Holland, but I do that with a bunch of people. I just feel like maybe there's something more to be found. And not even a relationship, but just something more. It's hard to explain. There's a part of her that she hides, and I see it whenever she looks at the part of me that I hide. If that makes sense. And I want to know what it is.

There's also my guilt with her that kills me every time I see her. In a way, I do want some semblance of a relationship. Or just to spill my guts. Just to freaking tell her and get it out of the way. But then I'm always reminded that this is the ONE time I do know in advance what her answer's going to be. And it's weird. With other people, I stay quiet because I'm not sure what they'll say. This time, I want to speak and I know the outcome, and it's not the one I want. Though maybe it upsets me because she says she finds nobody of value in our school. And I don't know what to say.

Then of course it seems that the world ALWAYS has to come up with a way to confront me with religion again and again and again and again. I think of one thing, and hold onto it, and then I'm forced to question it and drop it for something else that seems more real.

Con sent me this e-mail talking about how everything happens for a reason, and that the world is a living entity and it has a plan for us. Then Holland is talking about how God has this plan for everything and that He talks to you. And the weird thing is that I feel she actually believes it. It's so strange for me. Con when he talks, he talks like it's just a philosophy. Something delicious for the mind. But when Holland talks, it's REAL to her. But if I were to say those same words, they sound fake in my mouth.

I hate religion so much. I hate it.

I actually don't know.

The things I'm writing are coming out so scattered it's killing me.

Why does religion have to have such varied results? Why can't it be universal? If people say they believe in God, shouldn't their voices match their words like Holland's? But when I go to church, that's not what I hear. I hear people who turn into robots and just repeat the words that they've been taught. I kinda want to talk to a priest now. Because in a way I do want something in my head that's real to me. And I just don't know what that could be. In a way I want it to be the same as my parents. Because when my mother talks about God, I hear the same thing as I do with Holland. She believes in His power, in a different way than Holland, but it's still there. I would also be able to look at the future with so much more confidence. I would be able to look at my past with more worth. I don't know. My head is in a fucking blur!

I hate this! I know I caused it through my own stupidity! It's all my fucking fault!

And here I am teetering back in forth between my sadness and my anger. Why am I though? This year has been better for me than any other year, and yet I seem to be rearranging myself quicker than ever. I have met people that I absolutely love. I have people that I will call friends. I care about my grades more than I have in such a long time. I feel like little things in my life are FINALLY starting to fall into place. And instead of my changes occurring more slowly, to give me a chance to walk in them, I'm forced to run in a pair of shoes for a short distance before switching them for something else.

Someone is going to see me. I know it. Someone better.

Out~

So I'm really freaking tired in all ways humanly possible.

Physically, I feel like I'm falling to pieces, and it only gets worse with every hour that passes by. Being sick really really blows. And I feel emotionally exhausted to the point where I want to just hole up in my room and disappear from the world and appear in a world filled with music, because music doesn't impose itself on anyway. It just exists and all it asks is that someone listen to it.

I was going to post a blog a long time ago, but I hit backspace because I spelled something wrong, and somehow my internet did a hiccup. So the text box wasn't selected when I hit backspace, and my computer took it as a Go Back thing. And so it did, deleting everything that I had written. And I had written what I thought was some pretty good stuff. So I just didn't feel like trying to bring it back.

Spring break has brought a standstill to a lot of things. Though I think it's going to more like the top of a roller coaster. Where things slow down for that one second before things go tumbling down again, faster than ever. I'm not saying things will be negative, I'm just saying things will be quick. And this break is awesome really. It almost feels like I've gone back in time slightly. Talking to old people, and not talking to others. It helps me forget the negative things. Or at least turn a blind eye to them. Though I know they'll be back.

I had some weird ass dreams last night. And when I say weird, I really mean it. Though I guess that's to be expected when you're sick. There were a few sections to the dream that I remember. All of them took place at my school. The one thing they had in common was that I was acting way out of character. In the dream, I recognized all the extremes of emotion that stay inside my body usually. All the things I usually hold back because I mark them as monstrous. 

Anyway. It starts off as the end of the day and I'm just walking listening to music that I really can't hear. And Will pops up. Usually we get along pretty well, despite the fact that he's really headstrong and only cares about his own opinions. Anyway, he starts pushing me around, and I really don't do anything. I tell him to stop and back off. But it turns into a fight.

This is where it's different from all my usual dreams involving fights. If it's a hand to hand fight, none of my attacks do anything. It's like I have no strength, and they do no harm.

This time though. I just snap. I kick him as he tries to punch me. My foot lands in his stomach, and instead of pulling it back, I push forward and he goes to the ground. Surprised, I get off of him, and let him get back up. But now I'm excited, and the fight goes on. And I'm fast and strong. I beat the crap out of him. Someone screams to stop and all of a sudden I'm answering my phone, clothed in stuff I don't recognize. Anyway, skipping the phonecall part. I walk into Chinese class and there's Hannah. I yell at her and tell her off and how much a bitch she is. She starts to cry, and then there's ink all over her face instead of tears. Then Erin's asking me to J-Prom. I stutter and fumble, trying to find a way to say No without being mean. But then all of a sudden I'm pulling her into a classroom and pin her against a wall, and I start telling her how there's no way in hell I'm going to J-Prom, how it's a waste of money and a stupid night. She just kinda nods and looks away, but now she's smaller and her hair is straight. It's someone else, but I really can't make out her face, so I don't know who it was. And of course it changes again, and I'm walking through the halls and they're overly crowded. Somehow I rip off a segment of lockers and fling them off far into the hall. Then everyone marches with me upstairs and we get into one of the math rooms. It's a weird color, and that makes me pause while I ask if the rooms were always that color. Someone says No, and then I grab a desk by its leg and fling it towards the window, and then I wake up in a very messy bed.

The sheets were every which way and I felt even worse than I did the previous morning. Dreams are usually really interesting. But it seems there are more dreams with me pale than there are just normal ones. Oh yeah, when I have a dream in which I act severely out of character, my skin is always really pale and white. And one time I got a look at my eyes and they were white too.  

Anyway. Normal life. I've signed up to help out a photographer, and she'll be giving me a free photoshoot. It'll be later in May, and I'm kinda looking forward to it.

UGh. I feel like shit.

Out~

What if I closed my eyes on this life. But instead of stopping my breathing, I started to live.

Something inside me opens up to the fog and the mist of the moon and the night.

The hidden parts of the body become my skin

Pain becomes my pleasure and I lose the meaning of words because words have no meaning

We breathe what we are. I breathe my neighbor who breathes who they hate

Ideas grown on branches ripen and rot

Life of the smallest factors eat away at something that could never be

The city finally realizes what it was made for and falls to the ground

Everyone is buried and dies.

Dancers leap across the rubble, commenting at the beauty of the artful stage that is the night sky

Stars wink at bugs who copy their images

And I'm five years ago....and three thousand miles away

the dark lands that nobody can ever speak of because lips are glued to the ground that they plan to walk on, blessed by the posibility of tomorrow and the setting sun. Artist paint their eyes colors they can't see in hopes that something real will be grown from ink of pens that run across paper like children in the summer who know nothing of pain over grass that grows like graves on a plot of land belonging to a god who whispers to his people but nobody can listen because their ears are filled with rivers of clouds where they fly. Birds scream and devour the sun because they can, and the sun cries of stars calling to brothers that are too far away for anybody to see. But we try because we have eyes in our faces and faces of wax and plastic manufacture on lines of paper crumpled dead by animals that run into arms of those who feed them but are only ghosts. I sit around a fire because I am too hot to be left in the cold. The cold is filled with ice that cuts and kills, so I am content to watch the laws of the universe play themselves out on the stage before me. One actor decides to better his character and spins a different way. Money flies, and people clap for a mistake that is considered genious, and the mastermind is left to be in the cold. A guitarist plays a soft melody for his mute ears only. Tasteless notes erupt from a mouth of a starving man, making him fat. A child beaten to a shadow crawls from the ashes hoping to meet a phoenix. Chains wrap around his ankles laughing at feeble attempts to say hello to something that doesn't understand what a greeting is. A door cries out because it refuses to budge, guarded by a creature that sings razors from the air that are never used to cut. A whisp convulses asking to do something as it's torn asunder through indesisiveness. And the typewriter runs out of ink to tell the author that his story is a painting and the sleep is a canvas. Nobody listens, and all they can do is watch with veiled eyes staring into a blinding light that melts the fabric that a movie is cast upon without any regard what will be shown.

Take a fist to all that is breakable.

Words are emotions, and emotions are lies. Emotions are strings

Strings have no feeling and are the spider's web

The spider runs from the rain

and the puppet master tosses down the cross to a baby who picks it up and bears it across its back withthe skill of a martyr.

HOLY SHIT.

That's pretty much all I have to say at least right now anyway, that's what I'd like to say. Just scream it to the sky and then keep on walking with the clouds. Let me see. The date...I don't want to forget the date.

March Twenty Seventh, and March Twenty Eight, of the year Two Thousand Nine.

Never will be forgotten. The day I walked off a cliff, and I'm not quite sure if I've hit the ground yet. I'd like to think I'm floating. I've discovered that I can indeed fly, and I've dropped some chains at the bottom of this chasm. But there's also the possibility that I can't fly, and what I'm feeling is actually falling, and I'm going to hit the rocks and die.

That's pretty much all the detail that I want to go into that for now.

I have some stuff to make up for though, I've been gone for a while. Mostly because I've just been so damn tired, and by the time I sit down to do one of these, it's like midnight and I'm like "Well. Should I write in my blog and be dead tomorrow? Or not write in my blog and be semi-dead tomorrow?" You obviously know what won.

Anyway. I can't remember the exact date, but I started to go onto MSN again, in which I started to talk to Dani. Funny how things with her just slip back into place despite the fact I haven't had any contact with her in three months. It's also a little bit depressing. Because it means that our lives are so simple, three months is not enough time to change us in a way that is spectacular. She's gotten me back into writing, and I've joined up with a couple of sites. One is filled with a bunch of hard-asses that I'm pretty much going to abandon, and the other is filled with some friendly looking people. They're pretty much all from the UK, but they seem pretty nice.

Let's see. Let's start with Friday. Because Friday was abso-fucking-lutely insane.

It was field trip day, and we saw To Kill a Mocking Bird. It was actually really fun. Good natured fun. The play was pretty good, and then after that we went to go eat lunch. White Noise and Rocker did the whole whip cream thing, which to me seemed pretty stupid. But after that, we found an abandoned shopping cart, and of course that meant that we had to have rides in the cart. That was a bunch of fun.

Time Skip: Skipping over esentially pretty useless info

Talent Show! Our school has some pretty damn talanted people. A lot of really good dancers, singers, and those that can play instruments. Actually...now that I think of it. Those were the only three talents that were displayed. But it was quite the range. Belly Dancing, to Hip Hop. Rock to Pop. Pianos, guitars played in many ways, drums drums drums. Overall it was really cool. And of course there is Holland :]

After this things got pretty freaking insane. I met two new people that I'll probably end up seeing a whole lot more than I'd usually see. I'm just not going to bother nicknaming them. Anyway. Cerise and Julia were pretty much running the show even though the four of us were the older ones. We of course were the only ones that could drive, so that gave us some power over the whole situation. Though Con was the only one that knew were things were.

Anyway. When we got to Dan's house, we just chilled, seeing as Cerise and Julia had brought home these three other guys that were crazy awkward. They really didn't do anything worthwhile. Me Con and Colin ran around a bit, doing some stuff. Dan regretted not coming with us because he was stuck with the girls and the weird kids.

They went home after the three of us came back. This is where I walked straight up to the cliff, and this is where I'll stop being specific.

It was actually a lot easier than I thought it would be. I always imagined I'd put of this huge fight, or it would either fly past me. But the edge appeared right at my toes...I looked at it, and just dropped. Though maybe it wasn't even that. It was more like you've trained and trained for this one conflict. You harden your mind and body, getting yourself ready to fight back. To kill it when it comes to your face. This huge monster, you'll vanquish without a second thought. But when it finally got to me. It wasn't a huge monster. It was a little fiend really. Nothing spectacular. It was disappointing to tell the truth. Though at the same time, the monster came in different shapes. Which was odd because mine ended up being smaller than the others. Even though I was starting off from square one like a couple of the others there.

Oh it wasn't sex. After re-reading some parts of it, that's what it sounded like to me.

Anyway. The rest of the night ended up being pretty fun. Though not too much got done. Everyone decided to get a little lazy, and eventually we convinced Cerise to put in Kill Bill. Even though she didn't really want to watch. Ironically, she was the one that watched the most of it. I was asleep like after the first couple scenes. Dan and Jack were out before the movie started. I think Con and Colin followed my idea. Julia disappeared. She did that the next day too. I guess she really doesn't like us that much

Anyway. Saturday for the most part was pretty slow until I went back to Con's house. This was just slightly ridiculous. His family was having a party with a ton of parents there, and one of his cousins was buying an ounce, and was having it delivered to him right in front of the house. NOT the smartest move on the face of the planet. It then was Discovered. I don't know how he managed it, but he got it all back.

From there, a lot of driving insued. Because I only have two other friends that can drive legally. And at this point we had gathered a group of about nine people. So we were a little battallion of cars driving around Connecticut, trying to pick everyone up, eat, drop everyone off, and make it home without hitting curfew. Surprisingly, it was managed.

After this we again went to Dan's house, pretty much having the same people as we did the previous night. Me, Con, Dan, Colin, Cerise and Julia. I have a feeling that this will be the crew from pretty much now on. Seeing as Cerise is Dan's sister, and she's pretty cool, and Julia has the respect of Con and is like Cerise's best friend.

I don't know. I'm getting lazy with this. I'm so freaking tired. I don't understand it. There's so much stuff on my mind too, that it's eating me alive. I just want to sleep, but I can't yet. There's also all this wondering as to what the future will bring. With Holland, with Al-Val, with the group in general, with Yellow and Casper. It's just insane. At the same time, I enjoy it, because at least it's something. It's dramatic, and I think I'm seeing that as I get one freedom, I'm caught by something else that's tying me down.

I don't know. I have  SHITLOAD of writing to do tonight. Homework and recreation. So this blog is a bit tedious. Though I do want to put an entry in tomorrow.

Out~

Okay. So there's going to be lots of writing tonight. If I somehow get lazy through this, then I'll end up writing more later. Well. Someplace else at least. I have a bit of a mission tonight. I have a time limit as well. I'm probably going to be fucked tomorrow, but that really doesn't matter. As long as I currently have my wits about myself right now, that's all that matters.

Unfortunately. I'm not sure how long that's going to last, seeing as I already feel myself getting dizzy looking at the letters and the bobbing of the computer on my lap.

Oh yeah. I have some things to update people with.

First, I'll start with my health, because it's seriously starting to bother me. The only thing I really mentioned in the last entry was that I was still having these dreams that were eating me alive at night. If I remember correctly though, that was the first day I started to feel this dizziness. It's really strange, and worries me a little. When I move to fast, I get dizzy. That's pretty simple. But every so often, I'll get dizzy for no real reason, and everything will feel weird. Kind of like the feeling when you're dreaming, when you know things don't feel quite right, but at the same time you don't acknowledge that you're asleep.

My parents are forcing me to bed tonight early. So we'll see how that goes. It depends on a few things. If I get to finish my mission or not. Though I'm really debating cutting out some of the romantic parts of it. I don't mean it the way of relationship wise, I mean it in the way it's used in a literary term. I like dramatics. I was planning to send the message a minute before midnight. BUT. If that can't happen. I'll just settle for however late I feel like.

Since I last posted a bunch of stuff has happened. I've done a lot of things, and I've realized a couple as well.

Friday was pretty wild. I guess at least. I had fun. I was with what I guess is the new gang in the absence of my Chinese friend. It's nowhere near as tightly knit, but it still works. I ended up being the school version of myself for longer than I usually am on a Friday. I didn't even really have a chance to feel anything different. It just continued straight up until I went to bed. I ended up heading over to Scan's place early. From there we went to Dan's. We hung out a little, and I hurt my ankle. From there we went to the movies, and then came back home. The movie was awesome of course. No surprises there, but I came to realize something.

There are parts of me that under any circumstance...Do.Not.Mix. End of story. The person that I am at school, is a very different person that hides under the blogs. Which is kind of unfortunate. Because this means, unless Rhys is around to balance things out, I'm forced to restrain my anger towards Scan. Before we left, he did this "Listen to the sounds that you can't hear." thing. While normally, I'd be all into that, the person that I am at school thought it was total bullshit, and it's his attempt to appear as an intellectual for the sake of the title.

Which I still wonder about. Does he act the way he does because it's fun to him? Does he really believe in half of the things he says? Or, are they like religion to a rich man? Something that is pretty to have around in good times, but when times get rough, cast them to the wind where their lightness is easily blow away by the wind. Every time he compliments me on asking a good question, I wonder about this. Every time he does something really stupid because it seems deep, I wonder about this. Do you compliment me for my appearance? Do you do the things you do because they appear to be something interesting and different? I wonder. When he does these things, what does he really feel?

See. These are the questions he would "approve" of, but I can't come up with them when it really matters. All I end up caring about during that time is those cute girls that were waving at me when we left the theater. Yes. It happened. It's still a wonder to me now. Though I tend to normally try my best to ignore girls when I go out because I hold a low view of myself, and I've been disappointed enough to know my place, they definitely noticed me. Oh, and I noticed them too. ahaha.

So that was Friday. Saturday was uneventful for most of the day, seeing as for most of the day, everything was the same. I went to go sell knives at a knife show with Master D. This was both at the same time interesting, and painfully boring. It was interesting because I liked watching all the people around the place, and it gave me some time to think and such. But it was boring because most of the people that walked to the table, didn't buy anything. Although when I finally got my wish, and someone did finally buy something. I ended up being stuck with a man for about an hour because he couldn't decide what freaking knife he wanted to buy. I wanted to poke his eye out with the D2 knife that I really liked.

After that we went to hooters, and watched a movie. This was nothing special really. It was dojo stuff. The person that I am in the dojo is a very flexible version of who I am. So it really doesn't come into too much conflict with anything. I enjoy the time and I keep going.

Sunday was something a little more interesting I guess. It has the potential for expansion really. It's a brand new battleground of sorts, although I'm not sure how I'm going to maneuver myself. It would be pretty simple if the only thing that I have to do is smile for the older people. Which really isn't that hard. Smile. Laugh. Nod. Hug. Kiss. All really easy things to do. They require absolutely no thought on my part. But of course, then there's someone that I was introduced to. And I have to say. I'm highly intrigued. Maybe because I am El Rey. Or maybe because I desire constant change in my life. But I want to find a way to release the boldness in my heart in some way.

Monday didn't matter. I was passing out due to this crushing exhaustion that's on my shoulders. My story got evaluated. Pretty much good things only were said about it. A couple of people really thought that I should make a movie out of it. They also wanted me to expand further upon my idea. The teacher told me that she wanted me to write ALL of it. And I think I actually might. If I get around to it. Probably a few extra pages. I'm not sure how long I want it to be.

I didn't go to group that day either. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was still feeling bad about my argument on Sunday. I felt like crap, and I didn't want to bring that to the group. On top of the fact that it was proof that I had become a volatile person. Which is not a good thing to bring to this group. They're definitely not ready for it. Besides, I'm kind of angry/sad with Star at the moment.

Today. Just more tiredness. I'm thinking if I could manage to get myself out of school tomorrow just to sleep and rest. It really depends on how I wake up tomorrow. If I wake up dead exhausted. Then maybe I'll ask. Maybe I'll tell my parents about the dizziness, and they'll definitely keep me home. And I don't know, Alex deserves to do some shit.

Something I've realized. I have two directions that I'm pulling myself in and they're working in a way that's pretty even. And it's funny, because I attach opposite forces to each. One is the light. The person made of light. He is the one that fits in with everyone. It's my strides to become highly integrated into the life that's around me. And every day, I seem to get a little better at it. But then there's the opposite. The Shadow. The one that pulls away from people to better understand the power that's within myself. The harder that these two pull, the more agony there is when I switch between the two.

Mostly the pain is when I switch from light to dark. Because the dark is filled with emotions that come crashing down on me when I had been in a state where my emotions were pretty limited. Dark to light is almost numbing. I wonder when the breaking point is really. I'm getting really tired right now, to the point where I want to get some sleep, and I still have stuff to do.

I wrote a decent amount though, so I think I'll just leave you with this for now.

Out~

I think this is the main factor which makes me different from the friends that are different to begin with.

It's funny. As a young boy I was the one with the rampant imagination, and love for logic. I loved numbers and science. I thought history was useless. I thought English was torture. Now. I've turned myself around. Though I'm still stuck with this mind of mine. I've become someone who has "a way with words." I've gone from being the person who could barely write a creative sentence for homework to someone who writes up a 9 page story in a couple of days. A story which I have gotten compliments on already.

And this too is terrible.

My friends. The ones that are closer to me. Well. I can't even really say that, now can I? They still understand me just as much as anyone else. They just happen to see a side of me with more radical ideas. But regardless. Those that know about my imagination, and my ability to write, are starting to kill me.

Every time I think about them now, all I can think of is pain. And it's fucking frustrating! These are people that want me around. That actively seek my presence. Yet at the same time, it's getting to the point where I have to brace myself to spend time with them.

They understand so little.

This is the difference. They want. They dream. They want to have a movie projected onto the silver screen. So what do they do? They flail at it. Without an idea, they pick up a camera and argue over artistic shots. They see a poet, and wish to have their words be just as inspiring. Without looking for inspiration, they grope!

 Let's write a story!

Let's write poetry!

Let's make a movie!

What's the story about? Let's make it about World War One, or Two. But we have to have it based around Classical Music?

What's the poetry going to be about? I don't know. Let's just write something!

What's the movie going to be about? I don't know. But I think I can get a cool shot from here?

It's all in the story! It's all in the idea! It's all in the experience and the emotions! Art the Mona Lisa wasn't painted just to be pretty.  Revolutions don't occur just because it adds ink to history books! They had reasons behind them. They had thought out plans. 

I've just gotten so tired of their dreaming. All they do is wish and wish. I wish too. But I feel as if the bear in hibernation, waiting for the time to come out. They are the wolves howling to the full moon.

I never write a story using myself as a direct character. Neither do I allow any of my friends to be in the story either. While characters can be given birth by their ideas, I wont copy their likeness because they want to be seen that way. Oh, I can easily write about how the three of us were caught up into world war one.

 I would be living in Spain, and instead of escaping to America, I decide in a fit of pride and idealism, learn English and go to England to enlist in the Army. Con would already be in England. Already in the military where I would meet him. From there, we head out to the front, which is in dire need of more men to die against Germany. This is where we'd meet up with the last, who would be fighting in a group drafted from the bastard children in Africa.

There would be the question of their morals. Whether the war was worth coming this far. They'd form bonds of brotherhood. We'd be of all different nationalities and break racial barriers. Maybe fall in love with women in France when we're sent there to repel the German's final push towards Paris. Then there'd be us fighting to live as we've found new reasons to. Help each other push off shell shock and make it back alive.

Bang. Story idea right there. That's what they want.

But I can't do it.

They don't have earnest strength in their endeavors. They want everything to just happen to them, like it would in a story, or by chance, like everything else in their lives. I wonder if any of them understand the amount to be sacrificed to achieve what they want. Or maybe they do, and that's why they refuse to pay it. I don't know.

Ugh.

So I ranted a little bit about that.

I just finished watching the first season of Code Geass.

I feel kinda like Lelouche. Not that I have a horrible grudge towards a large empire. But because I feel like at the moment in time, I'm not really living. This life is boring, and safe. It's just. I don't know. I feel that as I try harder to be a normal high schooler, I wish to be the opposite just that much more.

It's a good anime though.

Also, I'm quite interested about tomorrow for a couple of reasons. One. I want the weekend to come so badly. And Two. I want to go to creative writing. Tomorrow is the day that my story gets spoken about in front of the entire class. Hopefully I get some decent feedback. I also wonder if Roger will say anything.

I use him name here because he's honestly too retarded to find this blog and to realize who it is. He's a senior from the class that hates me for absolutely no reason. I said something to him, trying to calm him down and it made him angrier because he didn't understand what I was saying. And then during the last workshop, he didn't understand something I was saying, so I tried to explain and he said "Wait? Why am I listening to you?"

and I replied in kind, with a "Well. Why am I listening to you?"

and he got really pissed. Maybe because I laughed before I repeated him.

But now he seems to have this grudge. So I wonder if he'll try to tear my story apart. I really hope he does try. Because I have confidence in its quality, and I really want to see him get taken down by someone other than me. I also have fantasies that he's my first legitimate fist fight. That because of his simpleness, I'll say something that'll accidentally provoke him to violence and I'll be forced to defend myself. Of course, that'll never happen.

So yeah. creative writing is really all I care about tomorrow. And maybe Chinese. I've been talking to red a little more lately. Though I doubt anything will come out of it, there's that hope, you know? And just because I'm reading waaay to far into what's being said. I know red is really smart. More so than most of the people in my school. But the subtleties would be too well placed.

Anyway. I've said enough at this point. I want to go to bed early tonight.

Oh yeah. I'm still plagued by dreams.

Out~