So pretty much, I'm not sure what I'm going to do with myself. I feel really kind of confused right now, and again am going through another point in my life where I'm questioning things.

I don't know. It gets annoying to be honest. I walk around tired and withdrawn from the world because I'm not completely sure how I'm supposed to be fitting into it. I'm like some crappy piece of technology that someone is trying very hard to turn into something great, and is updating and patching me every couple of months. I wonder if at some point I'll even run around calling myself by a different name. Or maybe I'll just go insane.

I think my largest issue is with Holland. And it's not even really an issue, but more of a I'm pissed at life and such because of it. I try so hard to ignore things, but it's just in my face. And I don't even understand how I've gotten myself into this. I don't know how to talk to them to begin with. I just listen and ask questions, I can't make any real comments, and I can never actually say anything about myself. It's just I've been drawn into something warm and I can't quite shake it.

Or maybe it's what's in the eyes. There's something there sometimes. A dark look. And what I mean by that isn't dark in the sense of a mean look. But a dark look as a solemn. Like I'm actually being looked at. So yeah, it's really nice to hear about all these things, and to laugh and joke around with Holland, but I do that with a bunch of people. I just feel like maybe there's something more to be found. And not even a relationship, but just something more. It's hard to explain. There's a part of her that she hides, and I see it whenever she looks at the part of me that I hide. If that makes sense. And I want to know what it is.

There's also my guilt with her that kills me every time I see her. In a way, I do want some semblance of a relationship. Or just to spill my guts. Just to freaking tell her and get it out of the way. But then I'm always reminded that this is the ONE time I do know in advance what her answer's going to be. And it's weird. With other people, I stay quiet because I'm not sure what they'll say. This time, I want to speak and I know the outcome, and it's not the one I want. Though maybe it upsets me because she says she finds nobody of value in our school. And I don't know what to say.

Then of course it seems that the world ALWAYS has to come up with a way to confront me with religion again and again and again and again. I think of one thing, and hold onto it, and then I'm forced to question it and drop it for something else that seems more real.

Con sent me this e-mail talking about how everything happens for a reason, and that the world is a living entity and it has a plan for us. Then Holland is talking about how God has this plan for everything and that He talks to you. And the weird thing is that I feel she actually believes it. It's so strange for me. Con when he talks, he talks like it's just a philosophy. Something delicious for the mind. But when Holland talks, it's REAL to her. But if I were to say those same words, they sound fake in my mouth.

I hate religion so much. I hate it.

I actually don't know.

The things I'm writing are coming out so scattered it's killing me.

Why does religion have to have such varied results? Why can't it be universal? If people say they believe in God, shouldn't their voices match their words like Holland's? But when I go to church, that's not what I hear. I hear people who turn into robots and just repeat the words that they've been taught. I kinda want to talk to a priest now. Because in a way I do want something in my head that's real to me. And I just don't know what that could be. In a way I want it to be the same as my parents. Because when my mother talks about God, I hear the same thing as I do with Holland. She believes in His power, in a different way than Holland, but it's still there. I would also be able to look at the future with so much more confidence. I would be able to look at my past with more worth. I don't know. My head is in a fucking blur!

I hate this! I know I caused it through my own stupidity! It's all my fucking fault!

And here I am teetering back in forth between my sadness and my anger. Why am I though? This year has been better for me than any other year, and yet I seem to be rearranging myself quicker than ever. I have met people that I absolutely love. I have people that I will call friends. I care about my grades more than I have in such a long time. I feel like little things in my life are FINALLY starting to fall into place. And instead of my changes occurring more slowly, to give me a chance to walk in them, I'm forced to run in a pair of shoes for a short distance before switching them for something else.

Someone is going to see me. I know it. Someone better.

Out~

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