So I'm really freaking tired in all ways humanly possible.

Physically, I feel like I'm falling to pieces, and it only gets worse with every hour that passes by. Being sick really really blows. And I feel emotionally exhausted to the point where I want to just hole up in my room and disappear from the world and appear in a world filled with music, because music doesn't impose itself on anyway. It just exists and all it asks is that someone listen to it.

I was going to post a blog a long time ago, but I hit backspace because I spelled something wrong, and somehow my internet did a hiccup. So the text box wasn't selected when I hit backspace, and my computer took it as a Go Back thing. And so it did, deleting everything that I had written. And I had written what I thought was some pretty good stuff. So I just didn't feel like trying to bring it back.

Spring break has brought a standstill to a lot of things. Though I think it's going to more like the top of a roller coaster. Where things slow down for that one second before things go tumbling down again, faster than ever. I'm not saying things will be negative, I'm just saying things will be quick. And this break is awesome really. It almost feels like I've gone back in time slightly. Talking to old people, and not talking to others. It helps me forget the negative things. Or at least turn a blind eye to them. Though I know they'll be back.

I had some weird ass dreams last night. And when I say weird, I really mean it. Though I guess that's to be expected when you're sick. There were a few sections to the dream that I remember. All of them took place at my school. The one thing they had in common was that I was acting way out of character. In the dream, I recognized all the extremes of emotion that stay inside my body usually. All the things I usually hold back because I mark them as monstrous. 

Anyway. It starts off as the end of the day and I'm just walking listening to music that I really can't hear. And Will pops up. Usually we get along pretty well, despite the fact that he's really headstrong and only cares about his own opinions. Anyway, he starts pushing me around, and I really don't do anything. I tell him to stop and back off. But it turns into a fight.

This is where it's different from all my usual dreams involving fights. If it's a hand to hand fight, none of my attacks do anything. It's like I have no strength, and they do no harm.

This time though. I just snap. I kick him as he tries to punch me. My foot lands in his stomach, and instead of pulling it back, I push forward and he goes to the ground. Surprised, I get off of him, and let him get back up. But now I'm excited, and the fight goes on. And I'm fast and strong. I beat the crap out of him. Someone screams to stop and all of a sudden I'm answering my phone, clothed in stuff I don't recognize. Anyway, skipping the phonecall part. I walk into Chinese class and there's Hannah. I yell at her and tell her off and how much a bitch she is. She starts to cry, and then there's ink all over her face instead of tears. Then Erin's asking me to J-Prom. I stutter and fumble, trying to find a way to say No without being mean. But then all of a sudden I'm pulling her into a classroom and pin her against a wall, and I start telling her how there's no way in hell I'm going to J-Prom, how it's a waste of money and a stupid night. She just kinda nods and looks away, but now she's smaller and her hair is straight. It's someone else, but I really can't make out her face, so I don't know who it was. And of course it changes again, and I'm walking through the halls and they're overly crowded. Somehow I rip off a segment of lockers and fling them off far into the hall. Then everyone marches with me upstairs and we get into one of the math rooms. It's a weird color, and that makes me pause while I ask if the rooms were always that color. Someone says No, and then I grab a desk by its leg and fling it towards the window, and then I wake up in a very messy bed.

The sheets were every which way and I felt even worse than I did the previous morning. Dreams are usually really interesting. But it seems there are more dreams with me pale than there are just normal ones. Oh yeah, when I have a dream in which I act severely out of character, my skin is always really pale and white. And one time I got a look at my eyes and they were white too.  

Anyway. Normal life. I've signed up to help out a photographer, and she'll be giving me a free photoshoot. It'll be later in May, and I'm kinda looking forward to it.

UGh. I feel like shit.

Out~

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