Okay. So it's New Years Eve. Another year is getting lined up to leave and become part of the past. And the future ticks ever closer, and honestly as I type these words I get scared. Thinking about what this next year will bring is like....I don't know. It freaks me out. Because I honestly think that things are going to get a lot quicker. I don't know when it'll happen, or in what way, but I really feel like it's going to happen.

Something big.

But I guess I'll get started on what I originally wanted to write about.

The year of Two Thousand Eight.

The year started in kind of a surreal way. I was still with Yellow, living the dream like it had been laid out originally all those nights ago. There was nothing wrong really that I could see. I was happy and content with the way things were.

School was rather good I guess. I felt like I coasted a lot. I played cards all the time, and got pretty good at it. I was good friends with Y and Read. I felt like I was a part of whatever group that they were a part of.

Now that I think back on it. 2008 almost seemed to be an easier year that I gave it credit for. At least in school and with myself.

I was content with who I was. After learning about the personality typing thing, I felt like I had myself nailed perfectly. That someone had actually written about exactly who I was, and that was that. All that there was left was to read up on it. I felt like I was opening up to people much better, and starting to get rid of the Shy shell that I have around me.

The summer came and again added something different to the equation. I think that's where things started to change. At the peak of the year, things started to go down hill. Kind of like a mountain. I reached the top and now I have to go to the base again.

I got a job over the summer. My first real job. Even though the way I got it was pretty unofficial in my own opinion. Even though when I reminisce, I like to focus on all the negatives of it so I can get a good laugh about it, it was actually pretty good. I don't think I want to do that same job again, but I don't regret doing it.

I met some pretty interesting people really. I felt like I had taken a step into the real world and was actually able to survive it. That was something that was important to me. I also got my license, which was also something important to me. It was another milestone on my journey into life.

I wonder sometimes if the new year doesn't start now, but actually started back at the first day of school. That's where things really started changing. Or maybe it was just the second act in the play of 2008.

The new school year brought with me the very rough ending of my relationship. This leaving me pretty depressed, pretty angry, and feeling like the world kind of turned around and stabbed me in a place that I thought I had covered. It kind of proved that there is no way in Hell I'll ever understand the world perfectly. Everything is subject to change.

Basically. It woke me up.

The new school year allowed me to continue my opening up with the people around me that I had started before the summer. But I started to realize that it wasn't quite the right thing. I had changed myself, but because I had still been asleep, I didn't quite change myself in the correct way.

I also got put into a new Group with How, because the group that I was in wasn't available to me at the time. At first it made sense. I've never been in the same group two years in a row.

Now that I think about it. This group is very important. The group has always been something special to me. Something that I've always liked since my Freshman year. And I guess in a way, it marks the changes that have gone on. My first year, I listened, and was just there. I didn't know who I was, I didn't care. The second year, I spoke more, I got into things with confidence. I knew who I was. This year, I don't speak that much, I'm not sure how to say certain things in the way I want to. I have no freaking clue who I am, and it's crippling me to a certain degree.

The group is also probably the most interesting that I've met. In the beginning, I was kind of enthusiastic. But after the first couple meetings or whatever, I was starting to hate it. I didn't like it at all, and I was lamenting inside because I wasn't in my old group. But now. Now I don't know what to think. I met Star, who I think will be an important part of the next few months. I don't know how or why, but I just have that feeling. I've told her way too much, and I'm not sure how I feel about that. I know that right now, I don't want to let her slip away with that much info on me.

And apparently there's been a major change in the group. So we'll see how things turn out when I get back in to school.

Anyway. Death was also a big part of this year. We've had two deaths, and my Mom is afraid that there's going to be more. At the first one, I felt an overwhelming depression seep into me, and in the most recent one, it was hard, but I had learned to handle it. I knew what to do, and I treated it almost curiously. Like you've jumped into a lake of really hot water, and you jump out. Then you look back towards it, and you know it's hot, but you want to know exactly how hot and why it's hot.

I've made some new friends, and lost contact with some old ones. I think with every cycling of friends, I make better friends. Like I'm better friends with Scan and S than I was before. And they're not pretty important to me. Star of course, Dani still, and Rhys. Brother can also be added onto that list.

I also started to write more frequently that year, and I hope to continue it into this year.

I think that's all I want to say about this year. I want to go outside really really badly, so I'm rushing this a bit, because I need to put some music onto my phone, which will be bit of a chore.

I love you all, and I hope that your New Year will be good.

Out~

Now I feel silly. It's definitely opposite day on this world that we live in. I had practiced a form the way that I needed it to be done, I felt confident, and then when it mattered, I choked. I couldn't do it. I felt like shit. I had this idea in my head that hope was lost, and go figure it's freaking not. I also thought that Yellow and I wouldn't have a good conversation like ever again, and yet, we spoke for like 3 hours.

I also thought I wouldn't like old  RJA and I happen to like them haha. Go freaking figure.

I don't have much to say tonight really. I feel that even though today was filled with opposites and contradictions, it was somehow balanced and good. Like today was a definition of my life to a degree.

Maybe that's all I am really? I am a contradiction to myself. I am my own opposite. I love and hate the same things. Maybe I'm having all this conflict, but really I'm wrestling something with something that is already working. Are most people one kind of person? While people essentially have many sides to them, they are still only one person, on part of a whole that requires multiple people working together.

So maybe, all the people that are searching for themselves are really looking for the wrong thing. That the reason they feel like they can't find an answer is because they're comparing themselves against people that aren't the same. That people with such internal conflict about who they are, are actually the most real people out there. Because the conflicts create multiple parts of a puzzle and then put them together.

I don't know. Tonight I feel sure about it. Tomorrow morning I wont agree with it.

I also want to put something down. I wasn't going to, but honestly since after today I think I'm going to make more references to it. So I'm going to fully explain my theory as written in my journal after seeing the end of The Fountain.

~~~~~~~

The Metal Tome:

There is a certain life after death. Though there is no such thing as death in a sense. There is life. There is only life.

Everyone is born from a spark. The smallest bit of life there can ever be. That spark fuels the mind and the body, calling other sparks to it. This then creates what is known as a soul. Your soul is the total amount of sparks that you have gathered.

But that number changes Frequently.

See, sparks do much more than act as life; they turn it. They push and pull. They create love, and hate. They give sentience and they give instinct.

Sparks are not always free-floating things. They are not chaos, they are order. They are Fate. Sparks gather and form a chain or a string. These dictate the world. Even down to when the wind will blow.  But while all strings are generally the same, not all sparks are.

A spark is power. Power has intent. Each and every spark holds the story of the past, present and future. And depending on how they interact with each other, they embody a single story.

Now comes the paradox of a spark. Sparks fuel the body, which creates the mind. So thoughts are invoked by sparks in all creatures. But thoughts are what give the sparks their properties. So a spark is nothing without a thought, and a thought is nothing without a spark.

So once a spark has been affected by the thought, it gains a purpose. Once that happens, the spark begins to drift towards its goal. The space left behind by the spark is filled by another. Then that spark gains a purpose and goes off in the direction.

This creates the string mentioned earlier. The string branches off from the soul until the sparks reach where they want to go. Connecting point A and B. Once that happens, the two connected parts are pulled to each other until they meet and fate is carried out. This can be anything; from love to death, or maybe a simple dinner.

Now when these strings are attached, they WILL happen, unless the string is broken. It is broken when the string is pulled too much from its destination. So fate, is changed.

But like how every spark can have a different intent, some strings are stronger than others, and are harder to break. And vice versa, some strings are weaker than most.

Though, all things die in the end. Without thought, the sparks all flee from the body towards the stars. For the fate of the planet exists in giant strings above the sky. Though this takes much power. If a soul doesn't have enough sparks, it wont make it.

As a soul rises, it sheds its sparks as it races to the sky. Sparks always want to make it back tot he source in the end. Not all make it, and they go back down to earth to start a new life or join an existing one.

Some do make it back, and it's unknown what happens. Because in those strings, are the thoughts of the earth. And they can never be understood. Though a spark doesn't remain in the source forever. They eventually go back down to start the cycle over.

If there is a light, there is a dark. Sparks make the future, but from the future they write the past. Once a string has brought the soul to the destination, the sparks fall from the weight of the past.

They fall to the rocks and the metals of the earth. There they tell their stories and they go back up to the world to start a new life. These are the stories the sparks have told the stone and metal.

~~~~~~~~

So essentially there's going to be a bunch more. But that's the general theory. I think to me it makes sense. While to others it might not, and it might offend others. I don't care. It's my thoughts! Ha!

Out~