Okay. So there's going to be lots of writing tonight. If I somehow get lazy through this, then I'll end up writing more later. Well. Someplace else at least. I have a bit of a mission tonight. I have a time limit as well. I'm probably going to be fucked tomorrow, but that really doesn't matter. As long as I currently have my wits about myself right now, that's all that matters.

Unfortunately. I'm not sure how long that's going to last, seeing as I already feel myself getting dizzy looking at the letters and the bobbing of the computer on my lap.

Oh yeah. I have some things to update people with.

First, I'll start with my health, because it's seriously starting to bother me. The only thing I really mentioned in the last entry was that I was still having these dreams that were eating me alive at night. If I remember correctly though, that was the first day I started to feel this dizziness. It's really strange, and worries me a little. When I move to fast, I get dizzy. That's pretty simple. But every so often, I'll get dizzy for no real reason, and everything will feel weird. Kind of like the feeling when you're dreaming, when you know things don't feel quite right, but at the same time you don't acknowledge that you're asleep.

My parents are forcing me to bed tonight early. So we'll see how that goes. It depends on a few things. If I get to finish my mission or not. Though I'm really debating cutting out some of the romantic parts of it. I don't mean it the way of relationship wise, I mean it in the way it's used in a literary term. I like dramatics. I was planning to send the message a minute before midnight. BUT. If that can't happen. I'll just settle for however late I feel like.

Since I last posted a bunch of stuff has happened. I've done a lot of things, and I've realized a couple as well.

Friday was pretty wild. I guess at least. I had fun. I was with what I guess is the new gang in the absence of my Chinese friend. It's nowhere near as tightly knit, but it still works. I ended up being the school version of myself for longer than I usually am on a Friday. I didn't even really have a chance to feel anything different. It just continued straight up until I went to bed. I ended up heading over to Scan's place early. From there we went to Dan's. We hung out a little, and I hurt my ankle. From there we went to the movies, and then came back home. The movie was awesome of course. No surprises there, but I came to realize something.

There are parts of me that under any circumstance...Do.Not.Mix. End of story. The person that I am at school, is a very different person that hides under the blogs. Which is kind of unfortunate. Because this means, unless Rhys is around to balance things out, I'm forced to restrain my anger towards Scan. Before we left, he did this "Listen to the sounds that you can't hear." thing. While normally, I'd be all into that, the person that I am at school thought it was total bullshit, and it's his attempt to appear as an intellectual for the sake of the title.

Which I still wonder about. Does he act the way he does because it's fun to him? Does he really believe in half of the things he says? Or, are they like religion to a rich man? Something that is pretty to have around in good times, but when times get rough, cast them to the wind where their lightness is easily blow away by the wind. Every time he compliments me on asking a good question, I wonder about this. Every time he does something really stupid because it seems deep, I wonder about this. Do you compliment me for my appearance? Do you do the things you do because they appear to be something interesting and different? I wonder. When he does these things, what does he really feel?

See. These are the questions he would "approve" of, but I can't come up with them when it really matters. All I end up caring about during that time is those cute girls that were waving at me when we left the theater. Yes. It happened. It's still a wonder to me now. Though I tend to normally try my best to ignore girls when I go out because I hold a low view of myself, and I've been disappointed enough to know my place, they definitely noticed me. Oh, and I noticed them too. ahaha.

So that was Friday. Saturday was uneventful for most of the day, seeing as for most of the day, everything was the same. I went to go sell knives at a knife show with Master D. This was both at the same time interesting, and painfully boring. It was interesting because I liked watching all the people around the place, and it gave me some time to think and such. But it was boring because most of the people that walked to the table, didn't buy anything. Although when I finally got my wish, and someone did finally buy something. I ended up being stuck with a man for about an hour because he couldn't decide what freaking knife he wanted to buy. I wanted to poke his eye out with the D2 knife that I really liked.

After that we went to hooters, and watched a movie. This was nothing special really. It was dojo stuff. The person that I am in the dojo is a very flexible version of who I am. So it really doesn't come into too much conflict with anything. I enjoy the time and I keep going.

Sunday was something a little more interesting I guess. It has the potential for expansion really. It's a brand new battleground of sorts, although I'm not sure how I'm going to maneuver myself. It would be pretty simple if the only thing that I have to do is smile for the older people. Which really isn't that hard. Smile. Laugh. Nod. Hug. Kiss. All really easy things to do. They require absolutely no thought on my part. But of course, then there's someone that I was introduced to. And I have to say. I'm highly intrigued. Maybe because I am El Rey. Or maybe because I desire constant change in my life. But I want to find a way to release the boldness in my heart in some way.

Monday didn't matter. I was passing out due to this crushing exhaustion that's on my shoulders. My story got evaluated. Pretty much good things only were said about it. A couple of people really thought that I should make a movie out of it. They also wanted me to expand further upon my idea. The teacher told me that she wanted me to write ALL of it. And I think I actually might. If I get around to it. Probably a few extra pages. I'm not sure how long I want it to be.

I didn't go to group that day either. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was still feeling bad about my argument on Sunday. I felt like crap, and I didn't want to bring that to the group. On top of the fact that it was proof that I had become a volatile person. Which is not a good thing to bring to this group. They're definitely not ready for it. Besides, I'm kind of angry/sad with Star at the moment.

Today. Just more tiredness. I'm thinking if I could manage to get myself out of school tomorrow just to sleep and rest. It really depends on how I wake up tomorrow. If I wake up dead exhausted. Then maybe I'll ask. Maybe I'll tell my parents about the dizziness, and they'll definitely keep me home. And I don't know, Alex deserves to do some shit.

Something I've realized. I have two directions that I'm pulling myself in and they're working in a way that's pretty even. And it's funny, because I attach opposite forces to each. One is the light. The person made of light. He is the one that fits in with everyone. It's my strides to become highly integrated into the life that's around me. And every day, I seem to get a little better at it. But then there's the opposite. The Shadow. The one that pulls away from people to better understand the power that's within myself. The harder that these two pull, the more agony there is when I switch between the two.

Mostly the pain is when I switch from light to dark. Because the dark is filled with emotions that come crashing down on me when I had been in a state where my emotions were pretty limited. Dark to light is almost numbing. I wonder when the breaking point is really. I'm getting really tired right now, to the point where I want to get some sleep, and I still have stuff to do.

I wrote a decent amount though, so I think I'll just leave you with this for now.

Out~