I have a black belt test in almost exactly two weeks time.

This is bothering me so much that I don't feel the need to be stupid and say Fortnight.

Lets look at what's going on in my life.

I've really wanted to be a second degree black belt since I started. I want to learn the three sectional staff more than any other weapon on that freaking wall. I've become very good at the nunchucks hoping that when I actually get to the three sectional staff, I'll be okay at it. I learned all my combinations at a ridiculous pace so that I could get my material more quickly. I pressured people to teach me my remaining form. I had a compulsive desire to make sure I had all my forms right, and all my blocking systems. Physically, I'm pretty sure I could do it. I'm stronger than I was before.

The week of the black belt test is also the week of my mid-terms. I'll have tests everyday that week that I don't want to miss. School has been draining me in ways I never thought possible. I'm finding it ridiculously difficult to find any kind of motivation for school work or for my kempo. I feel internally conflicted at every turn. The summer killed me. Because of my Job, I was too drained and didn't feel like going to class, and if I did, I retained nothing. So basically I wasn't there all summer. I'm getting stressed out at every mention of the test. I don't feel like I can do it. I know I can pass though, but I also know that if I did take it and passed, unless I was absolutely sure I did okay I will refuse to be a second degree. Whenever I'm pressured to do my material in front of people now, I can't preform. I blank out. People scrutinizing me cripples me. I feel like giving up more times than I feel like continuing.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I really want to do this, but at the same time I really DON'T want to do this.
 
I feel messed up.

I don't even want to talk to Dani right now. Like, I can't handle any human interaction. It's horrible.

Out~