Okay, so this entry is a little overdue. Honestly, I should've written one on the 17th after I came home from my black belt test. BUUUT I've been lazy. Well, maybe not so lazy, but it's just that I haven't been feeling like myself for the past few days.

I've been dreaming a lot more, and I've been having trouble with sleep. It takes me seemingly forever to get to sleep, and then I end up waking up early. I can't do the hibernation death sleep that I used to pull off every weekend.

I don't know what it means, but it kinda has me worried in a small way. Though it's probably just the fact that I've been going to bed earlier, and my body is still trying to stay up. Two things are clashing. Dreams though. Not something I'm too used to. And they've so far been filled with anxiety. There's always something wrong that I can't quite seem to solve, and I slide back into reality in a slow and uncomfortable way.

First it was the dream about civics, which was pretty straightforward. Just a dream about school and the stress involved there.

Then there was one that really freaked me out. I was all excited that I'd be getting to go to Spain, and I'd be there for two weeks with some friends from school. So I leave, and then everything blacks out. I'm still dreaming, but it feels like I've been dropped into a pit. When things start to come back, I'm back in school again, and we've just come back from the trip. I start freaking out, because I could've sworn that we had left, but I can't remember anything from the trip itself. I start asking people if I went, and they're all like "Yeah. You were there." And looking at me like I'm insane, which I think I am. They show me pictures of myself in Spain with the rest of them, and I start asking them if I was acting differently on the trip. And they were saying "No no. You acted how you always do. You had a lot of fun." And it felt so messed up. Like someone stole my life. And then it flipped over to something else. I'm walking down a hall with someone. I know it's a girl by her shape, but it's getting really hard to see details. She bumps my shoulder and it feels so freaking real. Then it flickers and we're holding hands and I look up to see who it is and as I pan up it switches from a dim hallway to my room.

My newest dream was the dream I had last night. There was something that happened, and so there is some kind of war or something. Regardless of the details, everyone is trying to escape where we are. I don't know where we are. We're not in our house, we're not in our neighborhood. Somehow everyone ends up leaving, only leaving my father and I behind. But he goes up into his room and falls asleep, and refuses to wake up for anything. Somehow I know that they're just looping around, and they'll be coming back to pick us up. But it'll be quick, and if we miss them again, we're stranded and will die. So I grab my bag and fill it with with two journals and a couple of pens. But there's a lot of room left, so I start filling it with granola bars, thinking that if something happens, I can last a while eating one per meal, three meals a day. That would give me nearly a weeks worth of food. I run upstairs to try to wake my Dad, but he refuses to move. So I start freaking out, because I see the Humvee coming. So I decide to leave, and then things start freaking out. The colours go all weird and I'm having trouble seeing. I hear the Humvee pass slowly, and I know they're looking for us, and if I'm able to just leave the house they'll stop and let me get on. But as I run out the door, another wall appears and I panic. Because that wall starts to become my headboard, and I look towards the sound of the Humvee driving off, and I see my dresser and the sound disappears and now I'm awake.

I don't know.

I'm a second degree black belt now! In a way it's as amazing as it is anti-climactic. I distinctly remember my first degree test being much harder. This one was kind of like "Okay. I know the drill."  I guess it's like, I was Dorthy and I looked behind the curtain, and it was a shock. Then I was The Wizard of Oz, and now that I had to play Dorthy again, not only did I know what was behind the curtain, I know what it was like to be behind the curtain. But still, I'm amazed that I actually made it. Four years ago I remember wanting to have a black belt with two stripes, and now I actually have it. It's surreal making a goal and then having it come to actually be. It also seemed a little rushed to me. Like they wanted it over more than we did.

Something just seemed off.

But of course it was all fun and good. We went out for dinner afterward and I FINALLY found the rest of Ergo Proxy. I talked to S a little bit, and had a bit of a conversation with Mime. Of course she's disappeared again. I'm not complaining too much, I'm thinking more about Star. Especially after the group session. I know she understands what I was trying to say, but she's staying relatively silent. I don't know. I'm still in the fog of war.

I've also had an interesting idea for writing something. I want to implement it today, but I'm not sure how it's going to work out. I have a feeling it'll end up being kind of like Cookie's 365 pictures. She was really good about it for a week, but now she's starting to get lazy.

Speaking of her. She's reeeaaaally freaking confusing, I just don't have the balls to be like "Why the hell do you talk to me?" Because it makes absolutely no sense. I'm good friends with her best friend, so it makes sense that she gives me a once over to see if she needs to hate me or accept me. But she'll go out of her way to talk to me, even though our conversations never really last too long. Hopefully I'll gain enough courage to confront both her and the other one. I'm realizing I really hate her and I made a huge mistake saying that I actually cared about her in any way. Every time I read something she writes I get angry, even if it's just a freaking smily face. And just the way she is sickens me a bit too. She has pictures on her myspace of her and her new boyfriend. A boyfriend who looks like he's in his freaking 20's. On top of this, they're making out in like every picture, and she has a hicky that looks like he punched her in the neck. I understand pictures couples take togther, and a couple of them kissing, but sersiously. I wonder what's wrong with her. I wonder what's wrong with me hahaha.

Anyway. Mid-terms have started up. First one is today. It pisses me off that she's given us this huge packet. I have no freaking idea what she's going to make us do with it. It looks stupid though. Like an overabundance of information that we'll probably never be able to use in the way she wants us to use it.

Out~