So this is a day late, but I was feeling pretty good last night, so I didn't feel like reminiscing more than I needed to. So today I'm coming back to it, just so it can be documented.

And then most likely something will happen which will require me to overturn it. But oh well.

Anyway. Yesterday was group day. It was probably the single worst group I've ever had in my entire life. It was starting to go in the right direction, but at the certain point, I realized we were going way way way too fast.

How put me on the spotlight with what we talked about a couple days earlier. So I had to talk about it, I really didn't have much of a choice, and now I totally regret not fighting against him to try to fall into a silence.

The conversation started just like how my little private chat with How started. The whole "I'm stressed about my life right now." and so people were asking questions and giving suggestions and it was pretty cool. While it felt like I was under bombardment, it wasn't too terrible.

But then it turned bad. I had said that I felt like I didn't have a connection with the group. That, while I liked everyone in the group, I just didn't feel the connection that I wanted. And while, to ME this means that I want to get to know everyone better and have everyone get to know me better. But to them, it seemed to have meant I don't approve of them.

With all their questions and suggestions, it was their attempt at quickly connecting. Why would I say this? Because about half way through it, one of the girls is like "So do you feel connected now?" And really, I couldn't answer. I told her I'd have to think about it, and that I wasn't sure. From there, things started to crumble. I guess because I wasn't a quick and easy fix, because I'm not good at pouring my heart out to a room of complete strangers (half of which didn't seem interesting. Three seemed bored and zoning out. One seemed trapped between her own sadness and trying to help me. And another just seemed pissed off.) I felt like I was just given up on. A couple even said it. They said that they could never connect with me at a deep level because of our differences.

Here I made another mistake in an attempt to explain what I was looking for.

"The problems that we have, with like school and parents. Those don't really matter. Those are pointless. I'm not looking for being able to say 'Oh I have that same problem too.' I'm looking for a feeling. And really. When all that petty stuff falls to the side, we're all the same. We all feel the same ways, and the same things. You can be just as angry as I can be. So I'm looking for an emotion, and we all have the capacity to feel that."

Which is where I guess I lost people. The problems mean a lot to these people. To them it seems, emotions are born from talking about the problems, while I feel that emotional bonds are the only way the problems can really surface and be solved.

At the end of the group. I felt like I was cast out. Like I was the stranger that nobody could understand. More than anything, I never wanted to go to that group again, because I will never be able to fix what I've fucked up. So in a forced attempt to get what I wanted, I got the opposite.

I feel betrayed by ABSOLUTELY everyone in that group. I thought that they would be accepting, that How wouldn't bring me to do something I didn't want to or was ready to do. I wonder if Star will keep talking to me still. I don't even know if I'll keep talking to her. I feel like I just want to slip away from her. Maybe I'll go to a couple more meetings, and if that feeling doesn't go away, I'll just go away. I'll disappear. Doubt anyway will miss me in that group. I'm sure it'll work better without me.

I guess on the other hand, while my last period of school made me want to break down and cry, kempo made me feel so much better. Class was pretty good. It wasn't that difficult. It was a relatively chill class. After which I went out to dinner with the two other guys I'm going to be taking my test with.

Talking with them and just laughing along made me understand that there are some people I can feel connected to. It was fun. It was worth going, and I'm really glad I went back to ask if they were going out to eat instead of just driving home. While I like watching Jericho with my family, dinner with my second family was so much more rewarding that day. Because I would've been home, blown up on Cookie, dumped my problems on S, and waited angrily for a message that never came.

out~